1. Quiet Smugness/Superiority
3. Lack of Empathy
Lets not forget gaslighter, habitual liar who believes omissions aren’t lies, and humiliation being the choice sport for murdering my soul and spirit. Me, ex and Melissa, women from your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, all agree how disconnected you are, but again, what do facts have anything to do with real life!
After all, you ARE perfect, and I am the problem.
I wrote and wrote, then thought, what’s the point since I’m the “unhealthy” one and you the wise and perfect! Plus, your alternative facts allow for you to be right ALL THE TIME, don’t they?
Or is it that you were expected to be perfect and so your entire life has been dedicated to being what you could never be. You weren’t born this way, you were conditioned to be this way, and it’s your choice to remain this way. Alternative facts don’t add up for…fill in the blank, but hey what do actual facts have anything to do with anything.
You’re a 49 year old man who has a choice in how to live your life, raise your kids, and treat others. You have a choice to evolve or stand still in time and try to make up for not being good enough while masking your pain as “confidence,” and continuing to hurt people by deceit. It’s a choice you make to continue to stick to alternative facts. You want to believe and tell the world it’s me, go ahead cause you’re only reinforcing another narcissistic trait. Read the fiction you wrote describing who you are – In reality, it describe everything YOU ARE NOT, but want to be. Happy? You wouldn’t know what happy was if it was staring at you in the face.
Get help. I say that but all the resources out there say chances of people like you changing is slim to none. That makes me sad. Not because I want you, but because of your kids. My heart aches for both of them.
ABOUT HIM & WHO HE’S LOOKING FOR
“I wake up each morning looking forward to whatever it is I am going to do. I am a genuinely happy person and try to live in the moment as often as possible.
- No, you are anything but happy, and you may look forward to doing what you do at work or riding because you know what to expect, you are a big deal with your colleagues, and the biggest factor is you don’t have to emotionally connect so you are in control. You do not enjoy nor welcome change of any sort. You control everything from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep. You don’t let life happen. You worry about it happening so you lie and do whatever it takes to avoid feeling discomfort or change. You set fires and watch them burn, but as long as you don’t have to deal with displeasure, you could care less the pain it causes others.
I am decidedly non-religious but have an intense curiosity and appreciation for the human condition. There is a lot of room for spirituality and wonder still in a world better explained by science and reason than by faith and mysticism. I am looking for someone that has a similar zest for life and sunny outlook.
- Human Condition is defined as “the positive and negative aspects of existence as a human being, esp. the inevitable events such as birth, childhood, adolescence, love, sex, reproduction, aging, and death” You have no interest in anyone’s condition. You have to be empathetic in order to connect to others. You don’t have empathy, lack compassion and are totally disconnected and detached.
- I had a zest for life and wonder. I was happy. I laughed and was free. You took everything positive about me, the traits you once praised, and picked them apart slowly. You found fault in everything you said you loved, and slowly you crushed my spirit. You sucked the life from me. You took my soul, my ability to trust, to laugh. My murdered my soul. You are an awful human being. No no…you aren’t looking for a partner. You are looking for someone to validate who you think you are. You are looking for someone to tell you you aren’t as bad as you’ve been told, but you are, not because you ARE that way, but because you are a coward and choose to be.
I have been separated for a little over a year now and have two boys (7 and 11) that I adore and spend as much time with as possible, though they live with their mom currently.
- You were separated, and lied about having decided to divorce. You lied about your family. You lied about your divorce being amicable. You lied about how scared you were of your ex wife and what a vindictive, controlling, self centered monster she is. You hid the unthinkable, and when the lies were exposed, you gaslighted me, just like your mother gaslighted you.
- Facade and pretense of perfection and having it all rules over common sense, doing the right thing and being courageous isn’t in you.
While I love what I do, I am now in a position to share more than a passing focus on things unrelated to work. That shift in focus drove me to renewing an early passion, biking, that I had let go dormant for a long time. I love to ride both alone and in groups and am looking for someone that would be interested in riding with me, whether around here in DC, around the country or overseas.
- You are SO full of it. Your activities include posting pictures and your minute by minute activity on Facebook and other social media, then waiting for praise and engaging in conversation about your false self, and adventures.
- I din’t believe the ex when she described your activities to hanging out at bars, and sitting in front of the TV, eating cereal. Thought she was lying, but I learned she wasn’t. You choose who you are.
- Traveling? Not gonna go there beside saying you have to plan for it.
- You killed the girl you would live in a shack with. You destroyed her because you fear doing anything different than what you are accustomed to. Maybe you can move in with your mom and dad and the three of you can just hang out and talk about everyone else’s imperfections and build yourselves up like you are better than everyone. You make fun of your parents being fearful and close minded. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and just because you have A hobby , doesn’t mean you aren’t fearful. You are full of fear, which is why you need to control, which is why you need to gaslight and abuse.
- No, you’re not adventurous. Again, you’re fearful of anything that is different. No sense of adventure, and certainly not at all interested learning about “human condition” –
Ok, that’s enough about me. I would love to find someone that shares a passion for experiencing life as it comes, has ambition to better themselves and the world around them, and have fun along the way. While it’s corny to say I believe life is a journey I am looking for someone to share the journey with.”
- No, you weren’t. I was all about bettering myself, and I was fun. You, on the other hand, driven by fear couldn’t handle living in the moment, and instead of bettering yourself, facing your fears, evolving, embracing the new, you bullied, gaslighted, and in the end got violent. I believed everything you said and wrote, but then realized, what you conveyed was who you wish you were, it’s the false you. The real you is a little boy in a man’s body, always afraid, and never good enough for the ones your trying to impress. My god…I was an idiot.
It kills me to say this Vince because I really don’t want it to be the true, but I know in my heart you will die never knowing how it feels to truly be alive, to kiss any joy as it flies. You see my darling, in order to be able to kiss those joys, you have to have strength and the capacity to welcome all of your uninvited guests, and you are too broken and weak to stand tall, invite them in for tea and LISTEN. No no…you have to lead the conversation and don’t have the room in your life for any guests, and that my love, truly breaks my heart not just for me, but for your kids. They deserve so much more….
However, not all narcissists are openly grandiose and outwardly intrusive. Various researchers and authors have written about the introverted narcissist, variously identified as the covert narcissist, the hypersensitive narcissist, the closet narcissist, and the vulnerable narcissist (1)(2)(3)(4). This subtype of narcissism is more hidden, and yet can carry the same self-conceit and negative contagion as their extroverted counterpart.
It’s important to point out that many introverts are not narcissistic. The ones who are, however, may have a way of influencing others around them to feel off-balance and/or insecure.
What both extrovert and introvert narcissists have in common is their employment of an outer veneer of superiority, to disguise their inner sense of vulnerability. While the extroverted narcissist will say, in so many ways, that “I’m better than you”, the introverted narcissist will strongly hint at it.*
Below are seven signs of an introvert narcissist, with references to my book (click on title) “How to Successfully Handle Narcissists”. While some people may exhibit a few of the following traits at one time or another, a pathologically introverted narcissist tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how these behaviors affect others.
1. Quiet Smugness/Superiority
Many extrovert narcissists are fairly easy to spot, with their grandiose mannerisms and attention-seeking machinations. Introvert narcissists, on the other hand, can be more difficult to pinpoint, at least at the outset. They tend to observe (judgmentally) rather than act, and listen (half-heartedly) rather than speak. Yet, their quieter brand of superiority complex betrays itself through aloof detachment and disconcerting nonverbal cues. They may not express their negativity outright, but you get the distinct sense that they are barely tolerant with their lack of eye contact, condescending glare, eye-rolling, dismissive gestures, groans and sighs, high distractibility, quick boredom, impolite yawns, and overall inattentiveness. When they do speak, their comments tend to be critical and judgmental, focusing on their own conceited views.
This seemingly impenetrable smugness is, of course, a front, covering a sense of vulnerability within. Part of the insecurity may be the inability to relate to people meaningfully as human beings.
“One cries because one is sad…I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.”
― from Big Bang Theory
One of the most common characteristics of an introverted narcissist is a sense of “withdrawn self-centeredness”. While many introverts are more quiet but good listeners, introvert narcissists tend to be reticent and poor listeners. Often, they will make a quick assessment of a person or situation, find it uninteresting, flawed, or unworthy of their attention, and mentally tune out (block you out). While most mature adults are capable of recognizing nuances of issues, and giving people the benefit of the doubt, introvert narcissists tend to focus on only what they selfishly want and find agreeable. All else might be labeled as “boring” or “stupid”.
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3. Lack of Empathy
“You’re sick? But what about driving me to the mall?”
Both extrovert and introvert narcissists share this trait. Narcissists are often oblivious to, or dismissive of others’ thoughts and feelings. Even when you tell them how their attitudes and actions are generating adverse consequences, their response will be more about themselves. Such is the self-absorption.
Some introverted narcissists deal with disagreeable people or circumstances in passive-aggressive ways. Upon receiving a reasonable request from you, they might say “okay,” “yes,” “of course,” or “as you wish,” then either do nothing, or behave however they please. When you inquire why they didn’t follow-through on an arrangement, they may shrug it off with an excuse, or say nonchalantly that their way is better.
5. Highly Sensitive
Psychiatrist Glen Gabbard notes that some introverted narcissists are “exquisitely sensitive”. They tend to be affronted by any signs of real or perceived slights, and handle criticism poorly. In the face of negative feedback, some introvert narcissists will defend with an increased sense of superior smugness and dismissal (fight), while others will respond with sullen withdraw (flight). Typically, they will not let on how much the negative experience bothers them, and instead use their well-rehearsed aloofness to continue their schema.
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Of course, not all highly sensitive people are narcissistic. What distinguishes the narcissist is their falsely constructed superiority complex.
For tips on how to reduce or eliminate over fifteen types of negative attitudes and feelings, see my book (click on title): “How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions”.
6. The “Misunderstood Special Person”
The self-perceptions of some introverted narcissists include notions such as: “I’m special,” “I’m one-of a kind,” “I’m ahead of my time,” “I’m so unique no one understands me,” and “I’m so smart I’m above everyone else.” Statements such as these reveal common narcissistic tendencies of superiority, grandiosity, and entitlement. By constructing the superficial belief that one is “exceptional”, the introvert narcissist creates a reassuring role, submerging the fearful and vulnerable true self.
7. Impersonal and Difficult Relationships
As mentioned earlier, part of the introvert narcissist’s insecurity is the inability to genuinely connect with people. To this extent, the aloofness and/or smugness serve as a defensive mechanism keeping people away, lest the narcissist is exposed for her or his interpersonal inadequacies. Some introvert narcissists narrowly focus on self-absorbing work, technology, social networking, small cliques, books, games, fantasies, and/or other endeavors to minimize wider human interactions. These activities may also help them enact their covert, self-important personas.