Hate. Love. Violated.Gutted. Shit on. Disposed Of. Slandered.

I was talking to my therapist about why I can’t get him out of my head.  Been having more and more flashbacks, and looking to the left makes has again become an issue that makes  me cry as I am reminded of being pinned against the wall with his hand on my neck,  yelling and not letting go. …He is going to be in for a big surprise when he discovers the hard way how his actions will reflect  poorly on the crime he’s committed.  I wasn’t public property he destroyed. I am a human being, a woman and mother.  I AM SOMEBODIES DAUGHTER!!!  I was madly in love with an illusion he created.  I was nothing to him and he made it clear over and over and over.  He has gone on to make sure I know I am worthless.

When I first met this animal he talked to me about all sorts of things and presented himself as something he’s not.  He talked about his failed relationship and how he was going to try and improve on those traits.  Only problem is he didn’t address the real issues but instead focused on his lack of planning so with me, he went overboard for a while planning things. He’s robotic. He’s not going to address the lying, the omitting, his inability to connect, his lack of empathy.  He will focus on one thing and one thing only.  He didn’t learn anything from our relationship nor did he learn anything from his divorce or any relationship before that. Right?  That’s his pattern.  I certainly don’t want him even though that’s what he has to believe because he’s too weak and too much in pain to look at his actions and make change.

But why do I care? Well, I learned today that in trying to make him nothing I must travel the road of  hate and love towards nothing.  Hate because of who he really is and how he handled everything.  Hate because he made me feel worthless and completely disposable.  He took me to the top of the world and then dropped me.  This was over and over and over again.  Love because I still love the non-existence person that he presented to me.  I hate me, too, because I fell for the lies and the con and because I let him make me feel like nothing. I wanted him to love me and to feel as though we were a until because he made me believe we were through his words and some of his actions early on.  But, just as he made me feel so loved and wanted, he made me feel as though I was nothing and he enjoyed it.  He really really enjoyed it.  That’s the sick part about all of this.  Is that he enjoyed confusing me.  He enjoyed having me always be on my toes so that I wouldn’t do anything he didn’t want.  It was a form of control I never knew existed.

So, yeah, I care about what he’s doing and I am mad, angry, sad, jealous that he goes on after having maimed me and that people don’t see what an ass he is.  I am angry that I don’t get to enjoy my life like I used to because he has physically harmed me so bad that I can’t.  I can’t be a mom like I use to and I miss that.  I miss laughing and dancing and feeling joy.   It’s okay for me to feel those things and the only way I am going to stop caring is to make sure what he did to me doesn’t happen again to other women.

Why did I mention Rape?  Because I feel dirty and violated thinking about having been so open with him.  I feel I was vulnerable with someone who didn’t deserve my vulnerability. I gave him me, and he treated me like trash.  Vincent Beggs, Wells Fargo VP, emotionally raped and gutted me, and I wish I could wash his filth off my body. I wish I could scrub my skin raw getting him off of me because he wasn’t real.  There was nothing real about him.

Music is important to him so while he fools himself about feeling whatever he feels and creates a world for himself that largely consists of him being a victims, I created  my own playlist. I bet he’s creating her special playlist as well since he’s a robotic sadist.  i hope she and whoever is in his path survives. 

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