I cringe as I see my desperation in her…

I am pleasantly surprised to my reaction of a photo I saw of my abuser and his new supplier.  Instead of feeling “devastated” I cringed and pitied her, wanting to reach and scream from the top of my lung, STOP acting like a fool!!! STOP ACTING LIKE I DID!!! STOP MAKING AN ASS OF YOURSELF! Please!!! Sadly, she has to want to see the truth is in front of her.

The other dynamic that caught me off guard is watching the “love bombing” stage in motion.  It’s one thing to realize the abuser was the same with his ex wife and ex GF, but to see it motion has allowed me to forgive myself for having believed him.  Just as I was at this stage, the new supplier is beaming,  “high on life,” bursting with joy and wanting to make sure the romance which is making her perchlorate is heard, loud and clear.  One week in, the high of the love bombing is in full throttle as she  publicly posts pictures with captions that read “Alice notices the cat has lovely green eyes” so goes the story.” Cringe! WOW! Insecurities or love bombing.  Perhaps a combination of both that in such cases feed off of each other.

It took me two years to get to where she is in one week. So, given what she shared of her history and knowing his mode of operandi it’s safe to assume she’s going to stick it out through 4 court cases to be his savior, just as I did.

I see myself in her and it’s mind boggling yet it has allowed for me to not be so hard on myself, feel compassion and forgive myself because my heart has caught up with my mind in believing  that the new supplier is not better than I am or is more special. If she was, he would not be building another relationship on a foundation of lies hoping not to get caught, and knowing by the time he does get caught it will be so far in he can do whatever he wants because she will always want to get back to now, the love bombing stage, and the high she feels.  That high has a term and it’s called trauma bond.

I cringe because I believed I was just as special just as she does now when in reality she is just as disposable as I was – That truth has been the most difficult to accept.  I was not special, and even though she cycles, she’s not special and neither was the mother of his kids nor the women who came before her simply because he’s not capable of attachment which is why he can’t think about anything or anyone but himself, his needs and his desires. All of us serve a specific purpose in his life – We were and she is, and his future victims will all be suppliers to a sick individual who doesn’t know how to feel for anyone but himself. He is everything his ex wife described, an emotionally devoid person without the ability to have empathy or connect to others.  He can never look inward because he is a coward who is not willing to do the hard work that it takes to look at the pain that caused him to be this way. He can never assume responsibility for his actions because he is weak.  He is also a dangerous, violent criminal who maimed a woman (me) so horrifically that she is now disabled. No, that is not an exaggeration.  It’s the truth I have to keep saying, accept it and now use my story to make sure that what happened to me never happens to another woman.

Never thought I say this, but I feel sorry for his ex wife, Christine.  She has to deal with him for the rest of her life.  I hope she has finally caught on to what a sick man he is and recognizes how his behavior mimicked what he did with her when she wanted distance from him and he intentionally inserted himself in her life causing her more heartache by causing more confusion.

I don’t get mad anymore but I cry to let it out, and work on radically accepting that my life was meaningless to a man I gave myself to with all  my heart. I believed him because I don’t expect most people to be sadists who enjoy knowingly hurting people. And now I see myself in Jessica, pissing on her territory from the first week and cringe.  It took me two years to get there so I can imagine the intensity of pain that await her.  I pity her and feel sorry for her because she doesn’t, just as I didn’t, have the self love or self respect for that it takes to stay away from men like my abuser.  While I was an enabler without knowing, she is enabling him knowingly since she has all of the data that she needs to make an intelligent conversation.

Walking away from my abuser was the most difficult choice I had to make, and I will never make the same mistake again because now I understand the cycle of abuse and I understand the physical addiction and trauma bond that keeps us in.   I have to accept I can’t help anyone that doesn’t want to be helped just as I was unable to hear Christine and his mother and his sister, and therefore will focus on using my story to bring about awareness, and with the right people and organization behind me, change in policy, which will never again allow for the likes of Vincent Beggs to escape the criminal justice system.

 

 

 

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