My sarcasm and attempts to be funny help manage the pain of having fallen for the empty words that kept me paralyzed, unable to walk. In reading my own posts I realized lightening it up is my way of trying to reconcile feeling stupid and embarrassed to think what I was in was real. Underneath the humor is a deep sense of violation that is indescribable and intolerable. It feels invasive which is why I describe how I feel to having been emotionally raped and gutted. It makes me sick when I think about having been so open with him and to have given myself to this despicable vermin.
As to why I’m posting personal exchanges…well, they are meaningless considering it was all lies. Because I want the next supplier to put the words he used with me me, side by side to what he will be saying to her so the lies are spelled out. I wasn’t special. I know that now. His ex wasn’t special nor were the girlfriends before that. After two years of marriage he and his ex wife entered into marriage counseling because she felt he disconnected from her. The woman before her had the same exact issues of him disconnecting and being hot and cold.
His words are meaningless because for so long they held me prisoner. It was what I hung to waiting for his actions to follow. I share what he said because for so long he would fill my heart with meaningless and empty words. I share because he said it was my fault I wasn’t able to let things go when all I did was make excuses to justify his actions as circumstantial when in reality it was who he was – I forgave and forgave and bought into the words that melted my heart. I view his writing as his weapon to control and therefore they need to be shared so the next person, if she has enough awareness, doesn’t fall for it like I did.
Beautiful letter (at the very bottom,) isn’t it. It became our tradition. He gave this to me as we laid in bed – he was hungry for me, so I thought, and made love to me, fucked me, had sex with me 7 or 8 times. Tears streamed down my face as I read his words, and for the first time in a long time felt I had finally found my other half. Oh yeah… I was mush! He had me believing he had been waiting for me all his life – This was the first time he told me he loved me. It was incredible. A dream come true. My beautiful green eyed man – I can still feel the oneness, and then we had lunch…
The euphoria of oneness ended with thai about two hours after the love bombing. Just like remembering the oneness, I can still remember feeling devastated when he slipped and told me his ex wife who wasn’t “supposed” to be in Chicago, was actually there. Did he try to apologize. Nope! Well, he said he was sorry, BUT he added not understanding what the big deal was since “she didn’t get her way and wasn’t there Christmas morning.” (Gaslighting. Deflection. Trivializing…did I miss anything?)
He then announced we were no longer going to talk about it and then withdrew. I felt I had done something wrong and didn’t understand why he was so cold – 2 days later he left on a business trip for Iowa and the punishment continued. Before I knew it I was wondering what I had done wrong or wondering whether I was being unreasonable. Looking back, he was doing this from the start but very subtly, and my reaction was feelings of embarrassed, confusion and humiliation – Never brought it up – There wasn’t any difference this time – The only person questioning themselves or feeling bad was me.
The following September I learned she was there Christmas morning, but that she didn’t “spend the night.” That’s his modus operandi , until he’s caught, he doesn’t offer any information, and then it’s a quick I’m sorry followed by gaslighting. I remember keep telling him I could understand the lie but didn’t understand why he went out of his way to try and make me feel bad by telling me what the big deal was because she didn’t get what she wanted, but she had. Who knows….
The exchanges also show my demise and how desperate I felt and lost I became over the years. I lost my sense of self – I was living with someone who never had my back. Who would throw me under the bus when I least expected it. Each time I wanted to end it he would make promises, and for a week it was great, then back to the same old BS. He lied about little things and big things. He’s just a liar…The last exchange took place just 2 months before he assaulted me. His ex wife lied about my having bothered her for a chicken recipe (see last entry for their exchange explaining the lie) and he got upset with me for not letting it go. Behind it was her insecurity and need to be front and center ALL the time. She was a nightmare and a nasty and horrible human being.
So, I wanted to lighten things up. He said no. Cried and told me how much he loved me and that he is going to decide things that make him happy and that’s how WWMVH (what would make vince happy) – he said he really didn’t want to be with his ex during christmas for reasons he had already mentioned. That was early early November…By early December he was writing his ex (see below) saying the following and promising her to communicate “honestly!” What a joke. The joke was on me.
“I have no problems with you continuing your relationship with them and hope you do. What my change of mind around travelling and staying at my parents for Christmas was about was a recognition that we are not yet in a place where we can interact in person without it troubling us deeply. I am fine with you coming to Kim’s on Christmas Eve and to my parents on Christmas (everyone (and have told both to expect you to be there on those two days) to see and to be with the kids but we need to get to a healthier place in our ability to interact in person. I understand that might take time. Until then, I will work to be supportive and also try to communicate with you honestly and candidly about things that concern us. That’s it. Thank you for reading this. I don’t expect any response, I just wanted to communicate everything above and that’s been hard to do lately as we do not give ourselves opportunities to talk outside of kids’ logistics.
Email re Chicken recipe – she claimed to never have read it. It was never anyone’s fault but mine. What bothered me is that he talked about me after her complaining I had been in touch with her, behind my back, as if I was guilty of whatever she was accusing me of. This is the same woman who a year earlier wanted to “call me out” after I invited her to join us for Thanksgiving. I shared with her that my ex was diagnosed with Cancer and that I wanted to put our differences aside and move forward. Her response was despicable – she didn’t even have the decency to acknowledge the stress or hardship my kids were under. Sad to be them – to not be able to connect to people or to own your actions – She will end up just like her mother, alone. Vince will just ride his bike until his legs fall off because he’s so disconnected he can’t feel.
>> As I mentioned earlier, my choice to put your desires to keep Vesta out of elements of my life and the kids life was wrong and has contributed to many of the difficulties we have experienced in the recent past. I should have been stronger then in making it clear that Vesta was an important part of my life and that requests to prevent encounters were unwarranted and unhelpful. My compliance with your desires fostered the sense of separateness with her that was hurtful to her and damaged my relationship with her. Emailing Vesta does not lie and it is true I didn’t want for her to contact you when you two originally met.
>> This past week she spent so much time arranging for things for my birthday, both while I was in Des Moines and when I returned on Friday, concluding in a mini surprise party Friday night. She was happy that her cordial, appropriate interactions with you to arrange for the kids to be there when I got home were reciprocated. Your claim that she asked you about a chicken recipe was misleading as it completely left out the real purpose of the request. Her ask about the recipe for %%%% was not her trying to swap recipes but simply to do her best to accommodate ^^^^^ challenges with food by not calling to attention to his limited palate and having him eat the same or similar differ as the rest of us all. It was sweet of her to think about &&&&& in that way and demonstrates her continuing care for both of the boys. It took a lot for her to reach out to you given the animosity in the past but it was important to her for her and the kids to be able to surprise and celebrate with me. Thank you for coordinating her to bring the kids to our place last Friday but I don’t believe it was necessary or helpful to take offense concerning a simple request. If you do not wish to respond to a request you are free to let her know directly but I am not your conduit to communicate to her.
>> As I have mentioned, Vesta and I, along with the kids share a home. We are a family. She is my partner and isn’t going anywhere and I will continue to share with her. Consequently it would be best for all to find a way to be cordial and operate as adults. Moreover, if I am unable to pick the kids up or choose to have Vesta pick up the kids I expect her to do so without conflict or drama. It is your right to request that she not enter your property and of course she will abide by that but it’s unnecessarily hostile and unhelpful towards establishing a cordial relationship and one that is sustainable.
>> Finally, if you are dating and leaving the boys with them I would appreciate knowing who they are and contact information in case I need to contact them for any emergencies.
>> I am emailing this from my W^&&* account so there is no doubt about it’s provenance. All other communications should go to and will originate from my gmail address.
2012 Letter written while lying about it all. I use to get upset when I read these but tonight I laughed out loud reading how he describes himself. WTF was wrong with me not to have heard the BS…LOL – “What I share here is Me – Stripped bear of my heavy garments” How can someone of sound mind write this bull shit while they are in the middle of lying. The next day he turned off his phone to be with his parents and then again Christmas day. My gut told me something was off but I couldn’t prove a thing…two years later I learned not only what he lied about then but that he lied about having agreed to a divorce when he met me. He was never honest…I don’t think he knows what honesty is. Sad…sad because he has kids and those kids deserve more.