Routines & Patterns.

Ups and downs.  Yes, I accept he’s incapable of empathy and will never assume responsibility for devastating my life, and I wish I didn’t know how he operates but I do.  My kids have been asking about the holiday season and what we are doing and I have to tell them we are staying home.  I try and be upbeat but I’m furious because the only reason I am stuck here is because of the injuries he caused and the enormous financial burden it has created. It’s November already so I know his plans are already set.  They usually are by early October.  He’ll probably be here for Thanksgiving since he doesn’t have his kids and will spend it with his “friends” including his new supplier laughing and talking about cycling. Most likely he will take his kids to Chicago for Christmas since, as he once told me, his parents will disown him if he doesn’t.

I am aware of not being in a healthy spot at this moment, but I am stuck in this prison he’s built for me. I can’t go anywhere this year because I am financially strapped paying for the medical bills and uber bills he is responsible for.  I know how he works and I know, given it’s the love bombing stage he’s making plans for his and the new supplier for new year.  Just as I know he still gets up at 3am to urinate, and at 6 to defecate while blessing me with sounds of loose and runny flatulence as he checked his Facebook and gave kudos on Strava –

I know he’s high and wanting to show he cares. He needs to fool himself into thinking he’s a changed man who shows he cares by making plans.  That’s all he took away from why his marriage fell apart. Poor Christine.  That’s it.  The son of a bitch has disabled me and doesn’t give a damn.  He’s a predictable sadist who tortured me every day because I never knew who I was going to get.  A nice loving boyfriend or the sadist.  He put me through hell, especially for the holidays when he led me to believe one thing but did another…doesn’t matter.

He needs to be in prison because that’s where he should be and if he’s in prison he will  not be able to go on gloating. If he’s in prison there will be no Majorca or ski slopes.  Last year, according to Jeff, he went cycling in Austin. Upon his return and after I begged him to remove his blog and get rid of his spotify list because I didn’t want to be reminded of him and the constant mix messages he was sending, he decided to start dating.  He soon realized getting strangers to trust him would be hard so he inserted himself into a group of female cyclist until he managed to bait one to be his next supplier who now has taken over my role – I stood by him as he went through his divorce and she is going to stand by him through our four lawsuits. She’s stupid enough to believe the lies he’s told her despite having data and access to the court system.

If he had an ounce of decency in him, he would understand humility and tell his new supplier, let’s pick this up after I am done with my lawsuits because I’m dealing with some serious issues where I hurt a woman who is now disabled, and I have to show her some respect given I was with for 5.5 years.  HA!  Now I’m delusional because if he was a decent human being he would have never assaulted me.  That’s my fantasy and I am mad at myself for even having it.  Two steps forward, one step back.

No no…He’ll go to Chicago and then he will spend new year with his new supplier in Majorca or somewhere where there’s snow for either Cycling or skiing.  I guess I should be grateful for his pompous attitude because it’s going to be wonderful to show his lack of remorse to a jury.  What he and Angie did…what he did…prison.  Seeing him in prison sounds more satisfying than the civil cases we have at this moment.  He’s sick and I am sad.  I am so sad right now because I want my fucking life back.  I want to take my kids away and I can’t. I can’t even go to the store if I’m craving something – I’m tired of this life he created for me. How could I have been with this monster.  How could I have been with this emotionally devoid human being who could care less whether I am alive or dead and would probably prefer I was dead.  Must be nice to be able to fund four lawsuits, two for the pure intent to intimidate  and still take a vacation.  His new supplier is going to be my best witness.  I just have to hold on to that – or look forward to him spending major time in prison.

I can not let what he did to me without justice so I guess I’ll try to get back to the healthy spot I have been and make sure I do all that I can so becomes the poster boy for the guy who disabled me because he couldn’t keep his temper in check and to show how broken the justice system is.  The more pompous he is, the more motivation I feel to get myself together enough so no other woman goes through what I am. This bastard emotionally RAPED AND GUTTED ME AND INSTEAD OF SHOWING HUMILITY HE’S GLOATING.

I AM LIVID THAT HE HAS TAKEN NOW ALMOST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE.  7 YEARS OF HELL AND INSTEAD…I’m just repeating things that don’t really make a difference.  He is who he is.  I am going to shut up about what I know he’s doing because I was always right during our time.  He would deny deny deny and in the end it would turn out as exactly I expected. So, fuck him.  Let him do what he naturally does because this is one place where it will count and it will be examined and the moment he lies or omits he can count on going to jail for perjury.  Despicable barbarian.

I need to refocus as I am about to integrate this site with Facebook and linkedin and other social media and writing about this in this manner will not help me.  Bigger picture is his name being recognized as the guy who disabled his girlfriend of 5.5 years and got away with it and what we have to do to make sure it never happens again.  That’s my focus.  Screw him and his new supplier who is much more desperate for love and acceptance than I ever expected – Posting pics after a week, planning holidays.  No, it’s not because she’s special.  He did the same with me.  Planned races and dinners and the illusion of what life with him was going to be.  I feel sick thinking about it.  Need to stop.


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