Describing narcissistic abuse before I knew what it was.

Emails sent 6 months in through the end.

The chat which happened November 1, 2012 is perfect example of how manipulative he is.  He tried to omit, camouflage a difficult conversation, he then tries to shift focus to coming to see me and when I keep to the point, he hangs up.  Was like this day one, is like this today.  Moreover, I feel pathetic reading my own words.  I knew what I was feeling but didn’t know what was happening and certainly didn’t recognize it as Narcissistic abuse.  I keep saying the same thing, wanting the same thing, feeling the same void and sounding really healthy about how I’m going to handle it.  However, I never left.  I never ever did anything I said I was going to do because he would always get to me.  X-mas 2012 he lied and I didn’t learn for almost 2 years.  When I met him, he lied.  He wasn’t done with his marriage.  He lied because he’s a self centered ass hole like his mother and ex wife said he was.  He’s detached, devoid of emotion and truly a despicable human being I wish I could scrub off my body, my mind and my history.

At the bottom, in red, is my describing what he would do to me without knowing what narcissistic abuse was. Gives me the chills.

7/12/12 —  “the commonality in why i was slightly irritated with ny or bothered during the power outage when you told christine she could come over anytime because you had no plans brought on feelings of not being thought about and in a sense being disposable.  don’t get me wrong i didn’t want you to put our being lazy plans ahead of your kids or sick father in law nor do i want a public announcement of our undefined relationship, but what i wished was to say come over in an hour to have avoided rushing around. the same negative feelings were ignited around ny. the other example i can give is the arrangement you have to travel to chicago with christine for christmas. i am all for sharing christmas with the ex because i do it too, but the idea of traveling for an extended period of time makes me wonder if there will be room for new person in your life and how that will look like.  will the boys hate her because she’s the one who ruined their family christmas.”

This was his response.  Another lousy excuse…it sounds so real, but it wasn’t because…doesn’t matter anymore.

“The holidays are a different set of circumstances and different issue than the issue about the Saturday before the Half.  For the Holidays I believe the root of the problem is that I am ambivalent about some of it and not looking forward to any of it and so I have been avoiding thinking or planning around it. This is certainly a failing on my part to not be taking some more proactive steps to arrange for something that works best/well for me and the kids. You are right to be a little concerned about how I am handling this and I need to take the initiative to make the arrangements I feel are best. It absolutely is this way because we are both avoiding talking to each other about it. I will do better I hope in this area.  

I can only promise to be more conscious of how my schedule impacts our plans and do as much as possible to ensure that our plans when we make them are firm and only emergencies should be considered a valid reason to upend them.I like the fact that you share you concerns and give me an opportunity to address them before they turn into something else. I know this particular concern has been expressed on a number of occasions and so I feel I am not really addressing it in a way that is effective and for that I am sorry. I certainly have work to do I this area but I hope it’s not something that is making you think twice.  I like you too and want to keep seeing you–would like to see more of you.  I hope some of the words above provide some insight into where my head it at.  If they don’t I want to make sure we talk more on the phone or in person.  

9:56 PM DANGER: i need to go to the beach to fix that. woks every time.
me: yeah, but i don’t think she gets your separated and heading for divorce 🙂 she still wants to vacation with you and spend christmas with your family.
9:57 PM the medications for it dumb down your immune system which puts you at risk of other diseases.
9:58 PM DANGER: she does not want to vacation with me. christmas with my family… ya thats still something but likely will be just a day or two since she is scheduled to travel to Pakistan on the 25th or 26th.
9:59 PM me: not trying to come down on you so please don’t take it this way, but there are all these dots that you don’t seem to be connecting. Psoriasis is not a joke. It’s not a skin disease.  what’s still something
 DANGER: something meaning, yes she wants to see my family
10:01 PM i will go to the dermatologist. was going to do it until my primary care dr said not to worry about anything he saw but i did not ask about my elbows
me: are you all going to chicago together? the way I read your statement was that she’ll only be there for a few days since she has to travel.
 DANGER: yes, yes
10:02 PM either way I am thinking I bolt Chicago and come visit you.
  even for just a couple days
10:03 PM want to drink wine in Napa with you.
10:04 PM me: i’m not sure how i feel right now. this is a complete surprise. not sure how to react
10:05 PM DANGER: what? we already talked about the possibility.
me: if she didn’t have to go to pakistan then she would have stayed longer which is fine because it’s your deal.
 DANGER: honestly i dont know what her plan was.
10:06 PM me: I think I need to get off because i honestly don’t know how i feel or how i should feel. and think it’s best if i process.
 DANGER: Vesta, what did I say?
me: what do you mean
10:10 PM DANGER: I mean I didn’t think I said anything new. We talked about Christine going to Chicago. Her mom and brother are there and the boys will be there. i am going to spend little-to-no time with her. I mentioned possibly coming out to see you between the holidays a couple days ago.
10:14 PM if you don’t want me to talk about the idea of coming out to see you then, that’s fine. i thought it might be fun and it would be a long time not to see you. but you are with your family and i am not trying to change your plans with them.
 me: that’s not what i am thinking about.
  im dense
10:15 PM me: this is about christine and you going on xmas vacation together.
DANGER: it not a vacation
10:16 PM i have to take the kids to Chicago or my parents will disown me. 🙂
me: you, her and the kids are going to spend christmas with your parents like you use to.
me: 10:19 PM you’re all flying out together, right? you weren’t able to tell her that’s not a great idea. that’s what doesn’t sit well. And, in all honesty it’s your deal. I have to deal with my feelings and process.
10:22 PM DANGER: in all likelihood we will not travel together and we would both agree we do not want to be in the same room together for an extended period of time, let alone a plane..
me: She’s staying with your parents while you’re there.
10:23 PM forget the plane.  I don’t want to be the person I am right now.
10:26 PM DANGER: i think its best we close the conversation for the evening. i am getting frustrated too

me: this is your deal, not mine. I’ll be blunt. It feels to me that you are still married. Christine calls the shots. What she wants goes, and that doesn’t feel good to me because i would hope the person I’m with would be protective of our time and my feelings.

5 minutes
10:31 PM me: i think it’s best we lighten things up. i don’t want to emotionally get more involved and invest more time in something that i am going to come in second. i think you need time to find your way in this new role. i am not a nag, but feel like one right now and my lesson learned has been change doesn’t come easy. I think you just hung up on me.
  Have a good night.

Took me almost 5 years to get to this point.  He destroyed my sense of self, my innocence and my dignity.  He never cared and still doesn’t care for anyone but himself and his facade.

October 17, 2016 — “What I find twisted and cruel is your ex wife choosing to cause chaos over my asking for a recipe or your mom saying things to intentionally hurt me and leave me out, or that you didn’t lose any sleep for telling me things you knew not to be true in order to justify your actions to yourself.  I believe when one purposely engages in manipulative behavior and  tactics  such as using arguments that are untrue to justify their actions, express disappointment and frustration in order to pursue their loved one that their feelings are unjustified and their reaction wrong and leading them to believe their reaction is cause for you to leave them, and that they are disposable, and then emotionally distancing yourself in order to control, to be hurtful and cruel.

As hard as it may be, I believe not being able to recognize such behavior as wrong and want to do everything one can do to change it concerning.  I believe not recognizing what is flawed with that sort of manipulation and its long term impact to your mate’s psyche will lead to the same behavior.  I believe inflicting such harm on your loved ones and allowing that person to suffer purposely is concerning and an indication that they have a hard time emotionally connecting.  It shows lack of empathy and weakness.

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