Let me acknowledge that I am not the best writer and I know I’m all over the place with one day being done talking about the various incidents and the next being upset and sharing he lied about who he shaves his pubes for.  A dry sense of humor and sarcasm is my coping mechanism to cope with the idiosyncrasies.  I mean how many people do you know to have been hung up on and scolded for not thinking about them and having the desire to “hurt” them, when you threaten to kill yourself and the hurt wasn’t going to be my death.  Oh no…the hurt was going to come from his secrets being revealed once I was dead….lol. How can I not look back on that or the conversation we had when he was trying to convince me the bruises on my body from the evening he assaulted me could have happened because I “get bruised all the time” and then he wonders why I recorded him.

In sum it’s a process back to health and healing.  I have told you what happened, sometimes more than once, because I am still trying to reconcile having been under someone else’s control so severely that I thought I was worthless.  I am reconciling thinking I have love for someone I haven’t felt safe with in years and to this day fear him and believe he would have killed me had I not been able to escape his grip on my neck which he wants me to believe isn’t really my neck, but rather my shoulder.   I am trying to reconcile and move into total acceptance, without judgment, and shed the lies I bought into about myself.

I’m an amazing person who is capable of loving.  Im perfectly imperfect and I will be damned if I let a coward define me.  That’s my hope anyway…

To all of the enablers, you are just as responsible for the abuse as the abuser.  In my case they are: Tim Hanson, Sarah Shellquist, Joyce Gearhart, Roget Masse, Sabrina Moe..those are just a few.  They have empowered a man who once told me to kill myself to free him of his misery.  So glad I have that on text.  Only way society will change and not victimize victims a second time around is for people to take a stance and show that such behavior is not acceptable.  All of you who are enablers are the reason why some of us commit suicide.  You are the reason why some of us stay in relationships that are toxic.  You call me unstable but fail to take into consideration the abuse I endured and what I still have to deal with.  The physical limitations are overwhelming and instead of showing support, you pretend you care and then send cruel emails.  You are doing the abuser’s dirty work without realizing it.