I’m tired. I’m so tired and I feel beat. My health news has been devastating and naturally PTSD symptoms have worsened. Insomnia, flashbacks and lots of panic. I keep hearing my head hit the wall and feel the burning pain. I hear his voice yelling at me and my begging him to let go. I feel his hand on my neck and I remember trying to get out of his grip feeling he was going to kill me. I remember his eyes and how cold they were and and his voice still haunts me. He knew how sensitive I was to loud noises after he threw me and I was diagnosed with a concussion, and yet he didn’t care. He once pushed by yelling so loud and for so long, I began to throw up and even that didn’t stop him from yelling. He barged into the bathroom, stood over me yelling to find another toilet to “go throw up in.” He humiliated me over and over and over and all I wanted was for him to see how he was treating me was cruel.
I want to remember the gentleness of his hands and how much I loved his hands holding mine. I want to remember the warmth of his grip but instead all I hear is his rage and feel the sting on my face after he slapped me. It hurts. It just hurts. The devastation of having been conned because that’s what loving someone who wasn’t really real is, is beyond anything I have ever experienced.