Suckers, Excusers, Attached, Neutrals

enablerI Think Joyce & Roger fall into the “Suckers”column…Jeff, Tim, Sarah, Marc, Sabrina, Sonya…which enabler are you? Own it! All enablers should own their part in allowing the abuse to go on.

Via Laura Le Hare

4 types of enablers of an abusive wolf

By Laura Le Lievre

June 20, 2017

And they’re probably the people you’d least expect.

My husband’s behaviour reminded me of a wolf in a sheep onesie.

I’ve lost count of the many women who’ve also had partners dressed in woolly onesies… (and yes, a couple of men I know have had a wife in a woolly onesie)

When they’ve told trusted friends and family about his frightening wolf-like behaviour, these women have been shocked to see their friends and family support him.

My beautiful friends encouraged me to listen to my gut. They helped me in so many practical ways. I can’t ever thank them enough!

Unfortunately, I also had “friends” who supported him. While it hurt, it taught me a lot about myself and others.

So who are these people? I’ve learnt there are four types of Enablers who support an abusive man…

THE SUCKERS

These friends see the abusive wolf-man as a sweet, woolly sheep. They can’t or won’t imagine a wolf inside.

They might only see a sweet man with his arm around his wife at church… or a man talking baby-talk to toddlers, rescuing a cat from a tree or volunteering in the community 24/7.

He’s unleashed intimidation through his family’s home -like a tom cat sporadically spraying his territory…who then leaves to schmooze up to the neighbours.

But Suckers won’t believe that if you tell them.

He seems too sweet.

I remember crying, “I wish he had hit me and given me a bruise. THEN maybe they’d believe me.”

My wise Auntie responded with, “No! People would be no different. They’d just wonder what you did to make him that angry”! “… The abuser can take advantage of how much her family doesn’t know.”

– Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

How to identify Suckers

  1. They have a glazed, blank expression in their eyes when you describe the Wolf’s abusive behaviour.

  2. You sense they’re tangled in his charm, just as you used to be.

  3. They say things like:

  • Have you listened to him to understand what’s going on for him?

  • What’s happening at home that’s making him so angry?

  • Are you sure you’ve CLEARLY explained to him how his behaviour affects the kids?

  • He really does love his kids.

  • He’s their father – his abuse to them isn’t OK… but they NEED to see him.

  • I think he and you have a different perspective (on what’s happening at home).

  • He just needs to learn some parenting skills/anger management/alcohol counselling.

“I’ve repeatedly seen the tendency among friends of an abused woman to feel that it is their responsibility to make sure that she realises what a good person he really is inside – in other words, to stay focused on his needs rather than on her own, which is a mistake…”

 – Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

What makes Suckers dangerous

  1. He manipulates them into doing his dirty work for him: gaslighting you.

  2. Suckers make you feel crazy (you’d actually be more “crazy” to be OK with his abusive behaviour!).

  3. They encourage you to fall back into self blame and take some responsibility for his abuse.

  4. They put you in danger by passing him information about what you are doing and where you are.

  5. Suckers SUCK your energy. Justifying yourself to them leaves you drained.

THE EXCUSERS

An Excuser buys into the Wolf’s victim mentality. His ongoing woes distract them from the abuse he chooses to unleash on his family.

An abuser’s charm and magic is woven around Excusers like a spider’s web.

Before they know it, they believe he really is a good person who has reasons for his “mistakes”. They’ve been caught just as you once were.

Excusers are stuck in the 1950’s. They ooze an implication that women are responsible for the happiness of men.

How to identify Excusers

You find out they’re spending time listening to his excuses and blame games.

They say or imply things like:

  • He’s stressed and tired from work: “men lash out when they’re tired”.

  • He’s had his “buttons pushed” by his kids, wife, work-mates, boss.

  • He must have depression.

  • He mustn’t be having his manly needs met (by his wife).

  • He’s damaged from his abusive childhood.

What makes Excusers dangerous

  1. They’re encouraging him to take little or no responsibility.

  2. Their excuses collude with his abuse.

  3. Excusers show your children that people won’t believe what’s been happening to them.

  4. This can imply to kids it’s their fault or their mother’s fault “Daddy is scary.”

  5. Excusers cause you to blame your children – damaging your relationship with them.

  6. Excusers can cause you to become resigned to stay with him despite the dangerous behaviour escalating.

THE ATTACHED

These are the least dangerous of the types, especially if they make their loyalty clear.

They’re more attached to him than to the safety of abused and vulnerable women and children.

They are drawn to him, even though he’s been cold to them in the past! It’s simply because he’s their relative – or that they have a beer with him once a month. As they say, “Blood is thicker than water”.

“Words cannot describe my opinion of his family for supporting him, for protecting him rather than protecting these children…Abuse is not something separate to society  unfortunately it is woven into the very threads of society.”

– Anita Bentata, Wolf in a Suit

THE NEUTRALS

I found these wolf-joiners the hardest type to deal with. Probably because they claimed they wanted to support me and my abusive partner at the same time.

Then I realised what they were really saying… they were denying the obvious – that there was a huge power imbalance between me and the man-wolf: AKA control and intimidation.

According to Dr Judith Herman in her book Trauma and Recovery, being “neutral” helps the perpetrator of abuse – not the victim. It implies you both have “couple issues”… meaning you’re both to blame – so it isn’t abuse.

I knew I was far from perfect – as one “friend” kept reminding me. In response to those reminders, I focused even more on working on myself in order to encourage him to change.

I stayed in my relationship longer because of being around people with this mentality. Unfortunately, this meant my children and I stayed in a home that wasn’t safe or healthy for longer than I believe we should have.

My kids deserved much better – from me too.

CONCLUSION

Feeling betrayed by those you trust feels like torture. Sometimes women lose their entire community. The cost of choosing to have a healthy, safe life can be high… so very high… but everyone deserves that, including you.

The choices you make are yours alone… so don’t fall into the trap of feeling you owe anyone explanations. You have every right to spend your time with who you choose. You’re an intelligent woman, despite how a wolf in a onesie – or anyone – makes you feel…

And there is a big world of lovely people out there who would love to stand with you on your journey to a thriving life.

REFERENCES

Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Anita Bentata, Wolf in a Suit

Dr Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery

My beef with Joyce is that she pretends she cares about my well being and was concerned I was going to commit suicide yet she did nothing about it.  Instead, she wrote an email dictated by Vince’s attorney.  She also gave him an email I had accidentally written my psychologist (joanna) – and I’m sure everything else.  She definitely falls in the dangerous category of enablers because knowing what she knew she chose to do things that were triggering, and she now is doing his dirty work.  It’s hurtful but it is what it is.  She will learn her lesson sooner rather than later.  He’s looking for people who buy his lies and don’t care about the consequences.  They are the people who are dangers to women all over the world because they allow for abuse to happen without any type of accountability.  Vince should be in jail for what he did and that alone is something that will get lawmakers attention.  The damage he has done should have landed him in prison but the…I’ve told this story a million times.  I have to get myself organized and begin to work on that.   There is a bigger reason for why this happened to me….

3 a.m pee break?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s