The Enablers. Joyce, Sonya, Tim…

@Joyce Gearhart, @Mariette Vanderzon, @Tim Hanson, @ Jeff Gooder, @ Sarah Shelquist, @Roger Masse, @Sabrina Moe, @Marc Clausen, @Max Young, @Lee Beggs, @Chuck Beggs, @Kim Henkel, @Mark Henkel, @Jennifer Hottendorf, @Sonya Griffin, @Kimberly Johnson Campbell, “you have a responsibility to get involved. Don’t look the other way… Be a part of the solution.”

Own blaming me for Vincent Beggs choice to throw me with such force to have destroyed a major function of my inner ear and to have caused brain trauma that I am still in therapy for today. Own being an enabler. Own having been right out cruel, and simplifying it for yourselves to my not being able to accept our relationship ending to justify your own actions because you say the right things about abusers until it’s in your face and then you do exactly what keeps women in abusive relationships.

I ended it in August, but I bet you won’t question his version and I bet he explained away why he had my computer on his Microsoft account that enabled him to track me or why he was using Spotify to tell me he’s sorry and loves me, despite the proof being in your face. It’s just easier to blame me then to justify who you are.

Own being ignorant to have bought his stories despite the facts that sit in front of you. Own supporting a man who violently attacked me.  Own it.  Be proud of it. You’re in it without realizing since you’ve lashed out and let me know what you think.  You are now a part of this legal fest and you have him to thank.

As a matter of fact, I do too.  WF execs have him to thank as well since he lied to them by sending a letter through his attorney wrote saying I was unstable, but forgot to mention he had assaulted me, caused TBI and broke the mandatory no contact order when he communicated with me after he was charged with Assault.  Facts! Do they matter?  Has he  mention the cognitive deficits I have because he chose to be violent?  Good thing every single medical issue has been documented by tests and reputable doctors so don’t ever pretend you are a feminist, and care about women’s safety or act appalled by men who abuse women because when it came time for you to stand up for doing what’s right, you chose to blame the victim, and you chose to be cruel.

I’m not going to own the feces you’ve placed on me. How you reacted is more a reflection on you than me.  So Own it.  Be open about it. All of you are the reason why so many women stay in abusive relationships.  You are the reason why women feel shame.


Stop Blaming the Victims of Domestic Abuse

Ray Rice with wife Janay Palmer

Why did Janay Palmer marry ex-Raven Ray Rice, even after the elevator incident? Dude, let’s talk.

Excuse me? I don’t think I heard you correctly.

Because it sounded like you just said, “Well, I don’t get why she married him! How stupid …”

As you’re nodding your head, let’s just sit down for a quick spell while I explain something to you, and yes, you’re going to listen.

While all the sports announcers and analysts are debating about who knew what and when they knew it – as if that really makes a difference – I’m going to let you in on some secrets. And I say secrets, because it seems like so many of you don’t have a clue when it comes to abuse.

Yes. Let’s call it what it is. It’s not a bad temper. It’s not a problem with “anger management,” but that sure sounds more palatable, doesn’t it? It’s abuse. Mental … physical … psychological … emotional. It’s Intimate Partner Violence, and it’s everywhere.

So let’s get back to your question, shall we? Why would a woman stay with the very man who knocks her out in an elevator and drags her out like a dollar-store toy? She’s weak, right? She’s just after his money. She lacks intelligence … street smarts … and it’s easy to blame her, right? It’s easier to blame her than to look at ourselves in the mirror and stare at that reflection – you know the one – where men with the right kind of muscle memory and play-making abilities are treated like kings, regardless of their character? Where most kinds of abuse are shoved in the closet, as long as the scores and impressive stats are there at the end of the game?

No, don’t get up. You need to stay seated for this. Look in my eyes. Are you ready? Are you paying attention? Yes, this gets uncomfortable.

You see, abusers are cowards. They don’t have the balls … athletic or otherwise … to deal with the world as it is. So they need somebody to dominate. They need to make their targets feel helpless … useless … less than. They chip away at their target’s self-esteem little by little, until there’s nothing threatening left.

You are nothing without me.

You tell anybody and you’re dead. I will turn you out on the street. I will hurt your family.

But I love you baby … I’ll get better.

And that’s only the beginning. The victim gets confused. She – and yes, sometimes it’s a man – but let’s stick to women for today. She gets used to her version of normal. Her reality becomes the cycle of hurt, then loving adoration and hope for a better future. Then hurt.

Victims lose sight of their own strengths, and the reality that you and I know is but a distant dream to them. They feel helpless, with no idea of how to get out. They believe it when they’re told, “That’s the last time, I swear!”

Victims feel isolated and alone. They feel confused. They lack resources, or options. They don’t know what to do. Some victims were abused themselves, or they watched loved ones endure the same things. They feel like they don’t deserve any better. They think it’s normal. They are afraid.

No wait … don’t get up … just one more thing I need to make sure you understand. Did you know that one in twenty people per minute are victims of physical violence by an intimate partner in the U.S.? Here’s a flyer that tells you more about it … you are able to read, right? Because I’m beginning to wonder.

When you blame the victim … when you question her judgment or point the finger at her instead of the perpetrator, you are part of the problem. You need to get educated, my friend. Can you do that? Can you shut your misinformed lips for just a minute, and learn before you speak?

You can? That’s good … and once you know what you’re talking about, please go share with your friends who are saying the same things. You need to talk to your sons and nephews and buddies at the bar. Don’t be silent.

Yes, I’m about done … just one more thing. If you know of someone being abused, you have a responsibility to get involved. Don’t look the other way. Reach out to the victim. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Contact authorities. Be a part of the solution.

I’m glad we had this talk, aren’t you?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s