It’s okay to admit I loved him.

Perhaps I don’t need to worry about forgiving him, but rather forgiving myself, and learning to make peace and feeling comfortable in my own skin when I admit I did love him. I still love the person I thought he was.  I have never felt that way before – I cared for him when he couldn’t care for himself and helped him because I thought of us as a team. As one. I really really loved him and need to begin to really believe how he chose to handle us is more of a reflection on him than me.  I loved him with every cell in my body and would have done anything for him. I carry a lot of anger because I am embarrassed not to have understood what was happening to me as it was happening- I no longer want to feel shame in acknowledging I loved Vincent Beggs. I really loved the guy, and even today I wish he would seek real help from professionals who can really help him – I need to believe there is a part of him that wants to break from what has kept him captive all these years. I want to believe the person I saw glimpses of when he almost died exists somewhere inside of him.  That’s who I loved.  A vulnerable man who drew boundaries and showed self respect, vulnerability and wasn’t afraid to tell the truth – the man who had a true north – that’s the man I loved. I really love that man and my heart breaks because the demons inside of him is what has helped him cope with his dominant mother and then his ex wife.  The similarities between the two and her mother are indistinguishable. I love me because I am nothing like them, which he use to tell me was the reason he was drawn to me. I was free. I’m not superficial and could care less about things because things or jobs doesn’t define who we are. He and his family on the other hand are all about what you have, what you do and how it looks to the outside world.  Without their occupation they would be nothing since it is what gives them their identity. I want to be sad for them but they are all so evil and dark that I can’t just yet have compassion.

No proper way to conclude…my heart and compassion is for his kids because he was unable to break the ugly cycle.  My heart will always break for his youngest…

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