meddling ex wives, My Story

Christine should take her own advice!

A person who does this should probably look into why.  It’s not always everyone else’s fault.

On Apr 17, 2013, at 5:01 PM, Vesta <vesta@gmail.com> wrote:

The mind works in mysterious ways…months ago you shared Christine’s desire for you to explore your childhood in order to “fix” your dysfunctions responsible for causing the marriage to fail.   You said you didn’t understand how going back was advantageous to changing an emotional trait/habit/dysfunction in the present.  I was quick to disagree with the notion that looking at one’s past is a waste of time.  Exploring one’s childhood/past is an important key to making changes in dysfunctional behavior because the root of the dysfunction, habit, trait, trauma needs to be understood and processed as an adult so that a shift can take place in one’s worldview, beliefs and truth.  And when the reality which we’ve known to be the truth shifts so does our views of ourselves hence how we relate, behave, view and interact with the world and everyone in it.

No, I am not saying living in the past, wallowing in it and using it as a crutch is good, but at times it’s worth a visit. Nor am I trying to say or hint in any which way or form you need to or should seek therapy or that something is wrong with you. I am simply sharing, but because this is a sensitive area for you I feel the need to clarify.  What I am saying though, is that my experience has taught me learning to welcome the visit, make tea, have a conversation and befriend the “demons” makes living in the now and the moment even more delicious.

———————
Working with Demons

Classic reactions to unpleasant sensation can range from anger, irritation, judgement, disassociation, fantasy, planning, obsessive thinking, anxiety, going numb, being overcome with doubt and paralyzed with self-judgment.

As the saying goes, “It’s not what’s happening that’s most important, but how we are relating to it.”
———————
The Chain of CausalityWhat happens when our experience slips by our awareness:*   The raw data of sound, feeling, taste, smell and sight form into either unpleasant, pleasant or neutral sensations.
*   Our reaction to unpleasant, pleasant and neutral sensation forms into thoughts.
*   Thoughts form beliefs.
*   Beliefs form habits.
*   Habits form our character.
*   Character forms our destiny.When we train our attention to how we relate to what is happening in the moment, we can sometimes break that chain of reactive thoughts and beliefs.  We can catch a reactive pattern before it proliferates.
———————
Working with BeliefsWe can also explore our relationship to the moment in the realm of thoughts and beliefs, though it’s tricky because it can lead to more thinking and an endless chain of pontification.There is, however, another approach.  When you notice you have some complaint or that things aren’t going your way, first ground your attention in your sensations, then you when you identify a belief that you are holding, you might ask yourself the following questions:1.  Is it true?
2.  Can I absolutely know it’s true?
3.  How do I react and what happens, when I believe that thought?
4.  Who would I be without that thought?

This line of inquiry requires rigor and brutal honesty, but I’ve found it that it can lead to tremendously liberating insights about myself and my situation.

A teacher by the name of Byron Katie has championed this form of inquiry. You can read more about her work here.

———————

Pain and Somatic Inquiry

There is so much to explore in our relationship to pain.  In class I mentioned a few strategies from somatic trauma modalities.  These approaches are particularly helpful when you encounter sensations that lead to a sense of fear and helplessness.

I’ve found the work of Peter Levine, PhD, to be especially useful.  He has helped many people explore how to heal chronic and persistent pain, particularly pain associated with physical and emotional trauma. He is the author of Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences.

 

Finally, I thought you might find this YouTube video of Dr. Levine interesting and instructive. Through the use of a Slinky, he explores the phenomenon of “somatic experiencing.” He also talks briefly about how to work with anger in the body.
His response
Thank you for this.  I think I understand the reasoning more, though I also think you can break and form new habits without need wing to understand the origins of the old ones. Obviously you can’t Vince because you made the same mistakes with me that you did with Melissa and Christine.  As a matter of fact it was your inability to be truthful that kinda ended your marriage and according everything Christine said, the fact that you are detached, emotionally devoid and lack empathy.  I know you are trying hard to make friends to make yourself feel better.  It’s okay.  You did the same thing after you seperated from her.  It’s your thing because you can’t be alone and you need to be worshiped.  
You included the chain of causality below and I think that’s a great description of how to create a new destiny by starting with how you react to things. Changing the way you react takes effort, but it also will eventually form new patterns, habits which will change you life. It has happened with riding/running.  Well…Mr. VP, lets give examples of something you did that didn’t help you not face yourself.  Over exercising is your way of running away from yourself.  It’s how you occupy your time – Try sitting with your thoughts.  I bet you still can’t.  It’s easier to hop on a bike and go drink a few beers.  Anything to run away from you.  You will never change.  Never.  How did you react to Christine and your mom?  How about the lies you are telling now about me.  The truth you’ve created.  
It has happened with work/life balance. It has happened in my relationships. And I never had to ask the question why. Only to recognize the sources of pain today and have the will to take the steps that put me on a better path and to building new patterns.  LOL…this is a joke.  He has not built new patterns with any of his relationships.  The reason his girlfriend from 30 years ago broke up with him is the same reason his ex wife left him and the same complaints I had, but I was the most stupid because I stuck around and when he couldn’t handle the pressure of living multiple lives, keeping all the lies straight, he attacked me.  He’s a coward who will never built a different path than the one he’s been on forever.  The man didn’t have the guts to tell his mommy and ex wife he wanted to do something different for a holiday.  He started fires and then watched them burn. 
Not saying looking back can’t help, only that in my experience it has not been necessary and tends to delay making the change you probably already know needs to be made.  The crap that comes out of his mouth is the same feces his mother says.  She was talking about her daughter and tried to tell me how parents interact with their kids have nothing to do with how they turn out.  Something dark happened in that family.  I don’t know what it is but the tantrums I witnessed his mother throwing and the crying fits in front of the kids and calling her grown son asshole and saying things like “Vince doesn’t have good judgment” when it came to taking care of the kids because he wouldn’t force them to put on a jacket…A controlling bitch who did anything to get attention and was 10 times more manipulative than his ex wife. Both women are cruel, mean, gossipy, and can’t handle looking at themselves. 
But with all that, how you get to the better state is so much less important than THAT you get there.  It’s certainly worked out for you, hasn’t it.  

Time to get ready for the day. 🙂  

Vincent Beggs

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