Gaslighting, Manipulation, My Story, victim blaming

September 15, 2014 – Cum bag…

Want to see what happens after years of gaslighting, devaluation and constant lies.  I cry for myself as I stumbled upon this email tonight – what he was doing to me caused unbearable pain – the hell I lived in without knowing what was happening was an absolute nightmare.  Looking back, it is horrifying not to have known what he was doing to me and what I was describing to him was narcissistic abuse. I was telling him he was emotionally gutting me, taking my sense of self and raping my soul.  I will never be the same woman I was before I met him – He stole my innocence and ability to trust.  Vincent Beggs is a sadist and I am glad to not know how one human being could do the things he has done to me. I am glad to never knowing how evil and detached feels like.

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Our first date-you asked late because x hadn’t told you when she wanted the kids

the night we decided to have an indoor picnic-asked me to leave because ex called wanting you to get ;&$@
hanging out-ex calls needs to bring dad over.asks how if you are doing anything.  you say no and ask me to leave sticking my clothes in bag.
come back from camping trip-mood darkens because ex decided to come over to tell the kids about the divorce after saying it wasn’t good to do it in her house because forever they will correlate that with the house.
you hurt yourself-i pick you up but i’m still not important enough for you to tell anyone so you tell ex you want to go ride with all your friends who helped you during your crash.
thanksgiving-you send me a photo of dave’s gf and say your date looks just like her.  you go to his place and i don’t hear from you until the next day.  said you were sleeping in the car after talking to some people.
tell me you love me-xmas hanks oysterhouse-you tell me you are responsible for your decisions. talking in riddles.  i lost a part of you there.  never want to go back to that place. i forgive and we move on except you say cruel things to me like how you look forward to the number 3.  and how you don’t understand why i am so upset at xmas.  after all, she didn’t stay for xmas day.you let me believe something was wrong with me for being so upset for 9 months. your mom says what she says and i once again forgive you and say okay lets start again. you apologize and we try to move forward but instead i have to deal with more being kept hidden and invisible.  i continue to be on the bottom.
i lose patience.  you don’t keep promises of finalizing agreement.  i have doubts. i suggest things we can do to move forward, to plan for us, to create memories but can’t get away fro her, the emails, the texts, the needs, the this or that.  she wants advice, wants wants wants…where is there room for me…you tell me you are going to go look.  throw me one token conversation about how does living together look like.  we look at 2 places, you say you have to work out the sep agreement and then it dies.  back to the same ol same ol.
We don’t do anything to keep things moving.  waiting, standstill. it’s riding, drinking beer, kids, exwife, mom, and if there’s time, me.  i’m a cum bag.  that’s what i am to you.  that’s what i’ve become.  you throw me a bone here and there.
 i believed everything you have ever said to me. every single thing that came out of your mouth i believed.  you told me you told dave about me…when you didn’t.  why? why?  why would you do that to someone? you are manipulative.  you hold back your love, and you stop talking.  you punish.  you hold back your love…that’s manipulative. you make me feel bad for what i feel.  that’s manipulative.  you want love…you can’t handle love.  you want me but on your terms.  you hurt me…you broke my heart.  and you left me crying alone.  you talk and talk and talk but what have you done to really show me you think and love me.  i’m out of sight out of mind.  i’m a cum bag you like to do after your trips.  3 times every two weeks.  i am a worthless cum bag to you.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU STAY! GET OUT! PEOPLE LIKE HIM ARE NOT CAPABLE OF GIVING A DAMN. TRUST YOUR GUT AS I SHOULD HAVE AMD GET OUT! 

4 thoughts on “September 15, 2014 – Cum bag…”

    1. That is the nicest and most honest thing anyone has said to me. I struggle with how I come across. It’s not about being a jilted lover as he has made it be, it’s about years of being made to feel crazy. Years of humiliation and finally being free of his grip. Sigh…thank you for seeing through it…you made my night.

      1. You come across perfectly clear, in my opinion. Don’t change.

        Every night, when I get home, from anywhere and everywhere, I do the same thing–let the words flow until the well runs dry; then wait for it to rain, and do it again.

        Sometimes, I mistakenly go through the stream of conscious, and dam it with commas and em dashes and colons, confining the piece via grammar rules, instead of just letting it flow.

        You might be crazy, but crazy can be beautiful–to me at least.

        You made my night by letting me make your night.

        Thank you for sharing your emotions. Have a lovely night.

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