It’s hard to read my own words…my fear…

This is almost one year before the CUM Bag email.  What I pick up in what I wrote him is an enormous amount of fear.  Fear of losing him. Fear of not being what he wanted me to be.  Fear of not wanting to end the feeling he gave me during the honeymoon stage.  God! Had I just come across one article about narcissistic abuse. I had no idea what I was experiencing was going to cost me as much as it has.  Sad…Get out.  Don’t walk but run if you are in one of these.  I’m sharing in hope that someone will recognize themselves in my journey of being with an emotionally abusive man and find the courage to get out, just as I should have.  Lesson learned…always always always listen to your gut!

From: Vesta 
To: Vince
​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​2013 – Almost 2 years in

You mean the world to me.  I feel the world spin around us when it’s just the two of us.  When we talk, plan, walk, sit in silence, laugh, cry, lay naked. It’s comfortable and natural. It has always been that.  I think it caught both of us off guard because we weren’t looking for it, but here we are.  Almost 2 years since we met.  I have learned a lot about myself and like I have said from the beginning I am a better person because of you.
In October I sent a series of notes. When I asked whether you had read them you responded by asking me if I knew how many emails a day you get.  So I let it go. I was hurt, but moved forward. So I thought. In retrospect it was then that I should have spoken up and expressed my discontent over what was happening, but I was afraid to stand up and say, hey that’s not okay.  What I wrote was important and worth hearing especially if you care about me. I wrote because sometimes it’s easier for me to write than to talk. I don’t feel as scared about speaking up what really matters.
So, tonight I should have stood up for myself when you began to talk about why a divorce wasn’t necessary and your reasons behind it, saying it really doesn’t make a difference. Actually, it does. Even you said it.   Aside from what I already expressed as to why it was important you have mentioned on a couple of occasions you weren’t comfortable traveling with me given your finances aren’t yet split.  I came across a chat session that I forwarded in October. We were dating 6 months.  I could understand it then, but I don’t understand it now.  You apologize for not being a better planner and letting things go, but reality is you are a good planner when it’s something you really want to do and you make it happen.  We are all like that.  In reading my own emails a pattern emerged of us talking about something, then my asking and asking, then you finally saying you were horrible at making plans, apologizing, then saying A, B and C are also a factor.  And A, B and C usually has something to do with others, their feelings or what they did that affected us/you/whatever.  Please give what I’m asking for a chance.  Please please please go back and read through our chats and emails.  Please read your words and mine and the promises we made not to lose awareness and make the past part of the now.  You were so careful about not wanting to bring your issues with her into the mix, worried about it taking over. I don’t think it was intentional and I certainly participated, but we have spent way too much time on Christine, her feelings, her schedule, her wants, needs and demands.  Just read your words. During our chat session I forwarded October 1 you were expressing your discomfort traveling with me because your finances were not yet split. You refrain from using your debit card so she doesn’t see your activities. Just last week you said sharing assets plays a role in putting you in an uncomfortable situation and played a role in not going on the cruise we talked about. I was okay and understood 6 months into a new relationship why you were feeling that way, but 2 years in no longer makes sense.  I appreciate your honesty that it wasn’t going to happen by February or March.  You joked about July, but it was a subject you are clearly uncomfortable talking about. And, please don’t put it on me.  I never asked to control anything.  And if your reason is to show me that you are in control than we have a different set of problems.  People who are on the same team don’t need to prove the other wrong.  I think I explained well in my October 1 e-mail all the whys so you can read that if you want to know. This isn’t about Chris, or your parents.  This is about you.  And it’s about me telling you I deserve more. Not because I want to have access to you if you are hurt, but because I deserve to go on a vacation if we choose to.  I deserve to live, and enjoy life too.  And right now what we do because of your financial ties to Christine is on hold.  That’s not fair to me, and I would hope you can start to think about us and what’s important for us first. I have been understanding, empathetic, supportive, loving and forgiving, but that doesn’t mean I’m so desperate I’m going to be a doormat.  When I read your words from early on you were aware, wanting to make changes in what hurt your marriage.  I come to you wanting to be a unit, a team. I don’t want to control you. I don’t have a plan.  I have never given you reason to think I am scheming anything.  I don’t manipulate you.  I don’t disrespect you.  I don’t call you names.  I am not perfect and have never wanted to control you, and ever will. This has been an excruciating week on many fronts, but I know the realizations I’ve come to are at the core of what keeps me paralyzed, unhappy and sad, and I can’t give in to them any longer.  So, I need to be clear that if you are comfortable remaining technically married for years to come and realistic with the limitations it brings like not being able to take me on a trip, then you need to let me know and then let me go because I deserve more.  It kills me to say that, but I’m tired and as much of a hero I want to be this issue will leave me resentful and I don’t want to go there.  So I need you to be honest with you and then with me.  I don’t assume why you feel what you do, and I’m not sure if knowing would help.
All I can say is I’m not cut from the same cloth as your family or Chris. I am not saying I am better than they are, but you have been use to dealing with a different blue print than me.  But you sometimes treat me as if I have the same blue print. I am asking you to please read  old emails and chats and see what we have spent time talking about and how Chris has taken center stage. And maybe you can empathize with why I feel the way I have.  I am not blaming you for this as I have participated in the conversations and tried to fix and offer help and did too much so this has been a joint fuck up.  I want you to read old emails and chats because it’s important to understand how we arrived here.  And I want you to be fair, don’t get mad at me for putting you in an uncomfortable spot.  Please don’t. I have suggested seeing someone together for a couple of times and the offer is still open.  I know timing is an issue, but we can make it work if we want to.

On Tue, Oct 1, 2013 at 3:07 PM, Vesta Ghavamzadeh <vestag@gmail.com> wrote:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Vincent Beggs
Date: 2012/6/20
Subject: Chat with Vincent Beggs
To: vesta

11:28 PM me: hey  bad time?

11:29 PM Vincent: Hi11:30 PM Never a bad time, but I realized two things…  

1) I sleep really well when you are here. 
2) I don’t sleep enough when you are here. 🙂

me: LOL
11:31 PM Just read your email about Chicago.  We’ll get it right next time.

11:33 PM Vincent: Ya, I feel terrible. Part of this too is that I need to get our finances separated before I feel comfortable with trips like this. Hope that can happen in July.
11:36 PM that’s not an excuse for letting it get to the last minute but it is an excuse for not just making it happen regardless of costs.
11:40 PM Hope you don’t hold that against me too much. I know this blew a weekend you were looking forward to…I was looking forward to.

11:41 PM me: I’m not sure I understand what you mean by not feeling comfortable. Do you still share an account? We can talk in person if it’s easier.  No, why would I hold anything against you.  Come on… 

Vincent: We still share an account, yes.

11:42 PM We basically have the agreement worked out and now that the house is purchased we should be able to separate the accounts and begin to operate independently

11:43 PM Could not really do that before the close since all money needed to be available and visible to her and because we had not worked out the support.

11:45 PM Have all that now and I will not have a rent payment for the townhouse next month so I think everything, or enough is agreed to in order to make the changes to the accounts. this week even.

11:46 PM me: Thanks for sharing. I know it can be complicated.
11:47 PM yes, i was looking forward to chicago, but whatever we end up doing will be just as fun



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s