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You could give me anything but love

I’ve said it before, I use sarcasm and humor to deal with feelings that I struggle to sit with. Lately I’ve been asking myself why am I still here.  I’ve said almost everything there is to say – I feel stuck, which is keeping me from doing what I need to do to transition to the next stage, to set goals in regards to what it is that I want to accomplish with this site and the non-profit that I created but have not done nothing with. I realized tonight what keeps me here is continuing to feel muzzled and shut down. 5.5 years of pure hell where I wasn’t able to think independently because each time I tried I was made to feel as though I was wrong and that I was going to lose him if I didn’t think and do what he wanted.  Writing about what I have gone through makes me feel independent of him.  It’s my way of justifying to myself for having stayed as long as I did and for not trusting my gut.  It’s my way of making sure he knows he no longer controls me.  It’s my way of saying I’m no longer your slave.  I’m no longer the idiot waiting for your actions to catch up with your empty words.  I published the letters and cards because they were what I had hung onto as hope that the man who wrote them was going to appear once again.  He never did and in the end he has gone out of his way to humiliate me stripping me of any self dignity and raping my soul.  It’s my way of reminding him that he made the biggest mistake in his life when he chose to listen to his Bethany in how I should be handled especially since he lied to her about his behavior.  Bethany was his therapist who gave him the green light in treating me as though my life didn’t matter.  She allowed him to manipulate her without realizing the monster that he is – He was cruel to me and I am not okay with it.  I’m tired of society expecting me to act a certain way without ever taking into consideration what I have been through.  He and other abusers are able to hold it together because they are hiding who they are since they know they are dark individuals.  Vincent Beggs is a dark individual who emotionally tortured me and in the end violently threw me with so much force to cause brain trauma and destroying my inner ear.  I can say that in public because it’s not a lie.  Because I’m not afraid of him anymore.  Well, I am but not as much as I was.  I refuse to let the fear he instilled in me to control my actions.  He  treated me as though my life didn’t matter – The entire time I was with him, he made the relationship about him.  Even after he attacked me and threw me against the wall, he acted as if I owed him.  He made me feel as I it was my duty to do what he said to help him keep custody of his kids, which I assume he has lost since I picked up on a weird vibe in court when his son was explaining when he sees each parents.  Vince expected me to not file charges against him because it was going to hurt his professional career.  The beauty of the delusion they have of themselves is that now there are court records tying us all together so no matter what they want, anyone doing a background check on them will be knocking on my door and there is nothing they can do from my telling the truth.  The chicken recipe will speak for itself as to who his ex wife is, and his recordings and lies he has told the courts will show his character.  Had he just been a decent human being.  Had he just treated me as though my life mattered.  Had he apologized and meant it.  Had he not listened to Bethany or his ex wife.  Had he been truthful with his lawyers and his friends.  I’m here not because I’m a jilted lover or want him back, I’m here because he’s a liar and I want, and now can, share my side of the story since he will never correct the lies he’s told and continues to treat me as though what he has put me through and what I continue to go through is not his fault.  The bastard maimed me and has impacted my life forever and he expects me to care what his colleagues and bosses, ex wife, family and friends he has lied to are going to think.  I DONT CARE! It’s what he told me for years.  “I DON’T CAEE!” NOT MY PROBLEM. My being here is because I was muzzled and treated as if I was a cockroach needing to be stomped.  He chose his path, but made a mistake when assumed I was going to follow him because I was “madly in love with him.” No.  Vincent Beggs, Mr. VP, cycling extraordinaire is not the man I am in love with, love or have any warm feelings towards.  If I got a call from the police asking to come fetch him after another accident, I would say I don’t know such a person. Besides disgust and regret I feel nothing for the man who was violent with me.  He’s an asswipe who complained about my calling him an asswipe in court pretending to be hurt when he has called me a cunt, has thrown things at me, jerked his car knowing I had a concussion and arthritis in my spine, damaged my inner ear, damaged my brain and destroyed my ability to live a normal life. Vincent Beggs, Mr. VP, Cycling extraordinaire doesn’t know what truth looks like, feels like or is. He lied to me from the moment I met him –  So let him go on fooling his new suppliers – Soon, when their legal bills pile up for repeating his lies, they will have a clear understanding of who he is because he didn’t give a damn when he lied to them knowing the truth and knowing we were in court so who better to subpoena to show what a liar he is.  Let the letter his attorney wrote his work show the pompous ass that he is after they listen to his voice admitting to assaulting me. Soon his posse will see him for the liar that he is because there is nothing positive that comes from having Vincent Beggs in one’s life.  He is not capable of human attachment, empathy or decency.  He’s just not capable…sad…truly sad and nothing joyous for me in saying that because I have to accept it and with that comes sadness.  How sad to live life always running away from yourself. How sad to not be able to do the right thing even when it’s your…just sad.

Bound to your side and trapped in silence

Just a possession

Is the sex or only violence

That feeds your obsession?

You send me to a broken state

Where I can take the pain

Just long enough

That I am numb

That I just disappear

So go on and fight me

Go on and scare me to death

Tell me I asked for it

Tell me I’ll never forget

You could give me anything but love

Anything but love

5 thoughts on “You could give me anything but love”

  1. The invalidation that we suffer through narcissistic abuse is the most painful thing. Not many people understand the devastation that it causes. Getting validation for your experience is the first step towards healing. Stay strong. X

    1. Thank you! I’m sorry you, too, have to go through it. It has been the worse experience I have ever had to overcome. I struggle with the devastation to my health and how to accept the injuries he caused as my new norm.

      1. It must be very hard for you. After narcissistic abuse, we are not the same person that we used to be. Some wounds are physical but there are also many psychological wounds to heal. But that doesn’t mean that we have to be diminished by them. We just need to learn a new way. It’s tough but it can be done little by little.

      2. For me it has been incredibly difficult because the injuries he caused are permanent and almost two years later I am still in rehab and have a long way to go. I will never be the same physically. I think I could even deal with that but I damn him every day because what he has done has hurt my children. They are already dealing with a father who has cancer so my not being 100 percent has added to their sense of security and my son specially has a lot of emotions he’s still processing. So, I have the physical issues, obviously the PTSD but also the financial burden of doctor and Uber bills that also hurts my kids as it limits what I can do even more. I will get through this because I have my kids who need me but I’m not sure yet how to deal with the permanent footmark he purposely has left on me and my children. That’s what angers me the most – his callousness and belief that his life is more important. Well, I’m here to finally say, no! It’s not.

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