Bad Days, Gaslighting

Lose-Lose

It’s been difficult to write.  I find myself not having much to say because it feels I’ve said a lot.  How many more times can I say Vincent Beggs threw me against the wall and as a result I suffer everyday because he caused serious and permanent damage. I will be the first to admit that I needed him to hear the pain his violence caused, but after seeing him in court and not flinching when I looked straight into his eyes and not having an ounce of fuzzy feelings, came a sense of peace.  All of the sudden the eyes I once loved were the eyes of the devil.  He was a tall, balding hunchback, filthy, despicable stranger who raped my soul and robbed me of my ability to live a normal life.   There was unexpected closure in being able to see him for who he really is. And, he is a coward.  A man without a true north and a man who keeps pedaling faster and faster, climbing another hill, because he’s too weak to sit still and face the toughest hill to climb, which is self examination, his actions and the web of lies he’s told are closing in on him.  So, yeah…Vincent Beggs, Mr. VP, a legend in his own mind, is a violent coward who maimed me, raped me emotionally, mentally, without giving it a second thought.

What he’s left me with is doctor appointments after doctor appointments. I’m sick of doctor appointments.  I’m sick of therapy.  I’m sick of being told what I can’t do, like last week being told I can not ride a bike because I will fall.  The impact of that trickles down to my kids because that is something we use to do together – She also reiterated I am not  to drive outside of the area where I live so no getting on the freeway and no night driving.  I feel like a prisoner in my own body.  I just can’t…I can’t live my life the way I use to live it.  I wish I could go back to 2012 and never had met him, but I did and he conned me and now I have to live with the damages he caused for the rest of my life.  I’ve moved away from being a victim to a survivor, but how do I move to thrive.  How do I seperate what he did from my daily life when it impacts everything I do and how I live.  How do I not think about him when my days are full of appointments, to heal from the damages he caused.  How do I forget his evil eyes or his hand on my neck or the stinging of my ear and cheek after he slapped my face.  Only evil can be as violent as he was, cause the damages that he did and then go about his day as if it was nothing. Not sure why I expected more since facing hardship is something he avoids on a regular basis, no matter how tragic the event.  Man has no sense of right and wrong.

See, this is what I mean….I’m kinda done talking about what a low life he is, but then I do.  How many more examples can I give – He penetrates my mind when I get disappointing news about health problems that is a direct result of his temper and inability to cope.  His ex wife even said he wasn’t capable of having difficult conversations so he resorts to throwing things, and this time he threw me.  I have been in this routine since January of 2017.  My appointments increased after doctors were able to pinpoint what was wrong, and since then appointments have increased to 11 to 13.  It’s crazy! Insane and  I’m worn out and want to feel good again.  All that said, I am grateful for the medical team who is taking care of me because without their expertise and support…I don’t know what I would do without them.

Until recently I felt I had to prove something to my abuser, the gaslighting extraordinaire who maimed me, but then a good friend said, “you don’t have to prove anything to anyone.” People around you see the changes in you, you have world renowned doctors and you’ve had test after test after test that shows what he did.”  ‘m not sure why I had never heard that before but this time I heard it and I was able to take a breath.  I was finally free of him.  Beauty in all this is he can go on and assume it was a virus that caused the issues, and that’s his problem because I actually told him what he destroyed on August 4th, which was the last time I saw him. So it’s his own problem that his head is always up his ex wife’s ass trying to make up for what he didn’t do in his marriage or he’s busy giving himself kudos for climbing a hill, or being a superstar at work. It seems as though he’s forgotten exactly what it is that he damaged so he’s relying on his…not gonna go there.  Not worth it.  Only if he was human, he would have listened instead of call me names, scream and yell and throw things because staying with me since I was so upset about what he destroyed was going to mess up his little cycling trip.

Lose – Lose was the phrase he used to get me to do things his way but the only person losing was me.  I lost my self respect and self dignity succumbing to his manipulative ways.  Lose Lose meant I was going to lose him if I didn’t do as he wanted – Like go back to court and file my third party motion.

Keep on riding Green Eyed Monster….the only person who is going to lose here, is you because you are a liar who can’t remember his last lie.  Vincent Beggs, you are evil! Lose Lose….No, you are the only one who will lose because the truth will always prevail. I”m no longer a slave to your lose lose BS – the underlying threat that I would lose you if I didn’t obey.  No no…you are the only one that will lose.

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