The Heart Of The Matter –

I have spent much time describing details that may be seen as meaningless or petty. Going over these gory details depicted the various stages of the emotional hell I lived through.  I had to get it out to regain my sanity after having been muzzled and by accepting that I was conned.  I had to accept I became a slave to a love that wasn’t real and I had to accept that there are really horrible people on this earth who simply aren’t capable of feeling and empathizing.  I needed to purge the poison in my veins, and take the muzzle to finally accept for myself that I survived being with a psychopath who towards the end wanted me to die to relieve him of his “misery.”

In early March my abuser told the police officer he filed a bogus complaint with that he feels I am trying to ruin his life.  So telling, isn’t it?  I would get sarcastic right about now because that’s how I cope with the pain I feel when I’m reminded of being with a man who is so evil that he could care less about the severe injuries that are permanent and is only concerned with himself.  Instead of sarcasm that helps blunt the pain I feel and allows for the anger to emerge to cover the hurt and fear I feel.  Sitting with it allows me to admit to myself there’s reason to feel hurt and be scared of my abuser, his family and my future.

I have to tolerate accepting that the person I loved emotionally gutted me and on December 21, 2016 he chose to slam/throw me against a wall in our apartment.  He threw me with such force that my head broke the glass on the frame that was hung on the wall, and the blow to my head was so hard that it has caused permanent damage. When he lost control he caused brain trauma and deficits I may never recover from. I may never be able to drive at night. I may never be able to stand on bleachers and those are the struggles he knows about, but there is much more.

My abuser can’t change the facts that his actions caused as much damage as it has, and his pompous attitude since the attack speaks for itself.  I have accepted that I am not any different from other abuse victims in that I stayed after the incident because for a moment I thought he would change, but the promises made this time were not any different then previous times except there were incentives such as keeping me from filing assault charges or going to court and filing a third party motion in order to keep the focus off of him as a parent. I stayed for 7 months after the incident because I wanted him to show remorse, to feel bad, but instead he became even more abusive.  He said and did things to me that were barbaric and surreal.   I’m grateful to have had the support of a great psychologist and her team in helping me see through the manipulation and break free, but it hasn’t been easy as he has played on my emotions by taking bizzare action trying to suck me back into the cycle.  This time though I recognize it’s not because he gives a damn and isn’t strong enough to stand up to his family for loving me, but rather because in the past using my love for him abled him to control me and right now he needs to control me in order to gain an upper hand in our legal battles.  He will not prevail because the trail leads back to him and his posse that documents the lengths he has  gone to in trying to silence me.  I feel calm and peace for the first time in a long time because their desperate attempt to silence me has done just the opposite by opening the door to set many of the records straight.  It feels good to be able to step outside of myself and watch the lies and the threats, all because I would not play along by their rules, unravel as everything is now under the canopy of  the legal system that doesn’t give a damn about  empty words or half truths – a judge or jury want facts and once the facts show themselves, who knows what the consequences will be.

For now I have to be patient and trust that the universe/Karma/god will not let evil like this go through life without facing consequences.  I count my blessing and am grateful for no longer feeling the need, or wanting the apology, validation and sincerity for how he treated me or what he did to me in December. I have my wonderful team of doctors that cheer for me and will continue to  work hard to fix what he broke that night, and work on accepting that some of it may never be fixed. That’s a tough one and what I struggle most with. So, best way to remedy the fact that what he did to me will be with me for the entirety of my life, is to try and turn it into a positive by sharing my story with the hope that the person reading can trust that the hell she/he is experiencing at the moment, shall pass.

 

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