Healing Stages, My Story, Uncategorized

It’s Four In The Morning and I want him to get real help…sigh

Raindrops and birds chirping remind me of mornings we woke together with his nude body wrapped around mine.  I loved sleeping next to him and being held all through the night, until morning light.  I remember how he pulled me back close to him if I changed positions.  On nights like these when my mind fluids with memories that I get thrown off. Memories when he make coffee, breakfast and then off we went to a coffee shop to work or just wondering through the city holding hands.  I miss walking with him mile after mile after mile…and then I see his hand on my neck not letting go.  I never thought I would fear those eyes.

I want to believe he loved me, that he cared, but then the day would start and fear and insecurities would drown him as he wondered without a compass or a true north trying to be whatever he thought people needed him to be.  Without the ability to empathize it makes sense that he followed direction from the person he was trying to please so he could be whatever each person needed him to be.  In the end this broke him. I can’t say us because I am still trying to understand if any of what he said or did was real or rather I am trying to accept nothing was real and just move on.

Some days I miss him.  In the mornings listening to rain drops…some days I miss the warmth of his body pressed against mine…somedays I miss his eyes and his hand holding mine. Sad that none of it was real.

 

 

The list of songs below reflect our relationship.  I was sideways in the beginning but before I knew it I would stay up till early morning trying to process it all, from there it went down hill…

You know it ain’t easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There’s no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I’m telling you
These feelings won’t go away
They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
They’ve been knockin’ me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won’t go away
They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won’t go away
Four in the morning
Came without a warning
Everybody’s got a place to be
I got holes in my conscience
Shot with a vengeance
I must have been a fool not to see
I need you bad
It’s hard to live without your company
I need you bad
So bad I can’t take it, you see
Oh, I can’t take anymore
I can’t fake anymore
It’s such a hard time loving you
I can’t take anymore
I can’t fake anymore
It’s such a hard time loving you
There was a time when I knew you
I held my body to you
Made you feel like you never felt before
And now it’s all in the distance
Still you keep resisting
I love you like never before
Oh, I need you bad
It’s hard to live without your tender touch
I need you bad
So bad I guess you’re playing me touch
Oh, I can’t take anymore
I can’t fake anymore
It’s such
Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody’s heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go
You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No one’s ever turned you over
No one’s tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart
I got a disease, deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can’t live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don’t pay no attention to me
I got a disease
Feels like you’re making a mess
You’re hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn
Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl
I can’t breathe
I got a disease, deep inside me
Makes me
When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
You were there impossibly alone
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go
And in the burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go

 

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become
‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”
I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’
I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
‘Cause I can make it on my own, oh
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain, oh
When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name
You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”
I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’
Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh
Someday, maybe you’ll see the light
Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you’re gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive
Yeah! (I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’)
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s