I started this blog as a FUCK YOU to Vince, his friends, and immediate family who were bullying and blaming me for “provoking” him the night he assaulted me, and were trying to shame me into silence.
For five years I endured being the one the Vince and his clan chose to blame for everything that they deemed wrong. I stayed quiet because I was confused and didn’t understand the constant ups and downs, the hot and cold and the gaslighting. So, I stayed quiet and tried harder to fix it. I took on the burden of me being the problem and tried harder, but one can only take so much humiliation, and being blamed for the physical assault was the last straw. I was suffocating and feeling insane because the gaslighting became more intense – for example, he told me the bruise on my neck was really my shoulder or that I got the bruises on my body from having bumped into things. I was under his control so much so that I began to ask my therapists whether my neck was my shoulder. I couldn’t take it anymore and needed to tell the truth; get it out of my system and talk about the sadist who had tortured me and took over my mind without my having realized what was happening. I needed my gut feelings to be validated and I needed to free myself of the shame and embarrassment I felt for letting myself be conned. So, I did the opposite of what was expected of me and began to purge my feelings, and thoughts trying to make sense of the hell I was living in. I decided to do the opposite of what he wanted and talk honestly about the details of what our relationship was really like – I’m glad I did because somewhere along the way I realized I wasn’t alone and that there were many others who ver badem were describing the nightmare I experienced. Not feeling alone saved my life. Gaining an understanding of what was happening to me allowed me to begin to feel sane.
Shame keeps abuse victims prisoners so I think it’s time to set a new norm for how victims of abuse are “suppose” to act. I was humiliated for five years and after the assault I was humiliated more by society and those who were suppose to protect me. Until the police are educated in understanding the cycle of abuse they shouldn’t be telling me that the way I’m acting isn’t customary of someone who is scared. They aren’t there when I don’t sleep night after night or when I wake up because of another nightmare. They are not there when I choose to stay indoors because I am too afraid of going out. They aren’t there to help my son feel safe when he wants to stay home with me because he continues to fear Vince hurting me. I am so tired of being told I wasn’t afraid of the sadist who enjoyed controlling me when I chose to speak up. I am so tired of being told I am vindictive and nothing but a jilted lover who still wants him. I am tired of being told people who have been abused would never “act” the way I am acting.
I still don’t know where I’m going with this, but I have random ideas on how to use this experience as a way to help, even one person, from having to go through what I have. This horrible incident has shown me how ugly and one sided the system is and changes changes must be made from the police department to the Commonwealth or District Attorneys offices to professionals who don’t recognize signs of narcissistic abuse in their patients and on the other side professionals like Bethany Larson, an LPC in Alexandria, VA who offered a diagnosis of me to Vince and began to help him deal with me the “appropriate” way. According to Vince she was teaching him how my “mind worked” – without recognizing it her reckless choices gave Vince permission to get more hostile and use my fear and PTSD to trigger and control me. For a while I was convinced he wanted me to kill myself…I guess his text telling me to do it to put him out of his misery was my first clue.
So, there is lots of room for improvements and that’s where I am right now. Trying to see how it all fits together. In the meantime I’m dealing with the Alexandria Police and their Officers who seem to have fallen for Vince’s lies.