I can’t wait until the day I can destroy everything that is somehow connected to him like the cards, the books, the emails, the pictures, and scrub myself clean of his stench. Each day that goes by he becomes more and more of a stranger – he’s the man who destroyed my vestibular nerve. He’s the man that wanted me to kill myself and he’s the man that I can’t remember his smell and no longer see his eyes as magical – Instead they are pure evil.
Since early August I have seen him two times, both in court, and beside fear and disgust I didn’t feel anything . Or maybe now I see him for the vermin that he has always been. Even the images of his upper thighs, souvenir from his first accident that almost killed him, are fading. I sometimes think I saw moments of humanity in him after he came so close to dying – That’s who I wanted back, but that wasn’t his real self. I nursed him back to life after three accidents, driving his kids to school, cooking, shopping, taking him to his doctor’s appointments and sleeping next to him and waking up when he whimpered in pain – He’ll fall again because he takes things to extremes when he can’t face himself or go inward. He gets on the bike and thinks he’s invincible – He’ll fall again and this time he will be alone on his couch with his apps.
I know this post is scattered. I’m overwhelmed with all that await me. Tough time are ahead…so forgive me.
I was Organizing emails and came across this- Trying not to puke – Unfortunately for me I didn’t see what a pathetic excuse for a human being he was. The conversation was always about him. He never asked about my family. Not once did he ask what it was like where I grew up – Not once did he ask about my family or my story – Not fucking once. The only time a reference to my mother was when out of the blue he announced my mother wasn’t a “real” doctor – And she’s not. She has a PhD from the Sorbonne in Plant Physiology, speaks 3 languages and was a professor so people refer to her as Doctor T—– I remember not having a response because it was such an odd thing to say – Who was this stranger I thought I was so in love with. Who was this guy….
Vincent: You don’t have to say anything. I am fine and will be fine. Thank you for your email. It helps.
12:15 AM Being able to reach out to you and talk is an incredible help sometimes and I really appreciate it. I don’t want it to be the topic of all our conversations though so I want to be careful.
12:16 AM me: it won’t be the topic of all our conversations. I promise to tell you when I’ve had enough. ok?
me: this is going to end vince
so it’s okay
talk all you want
Vincent: But when you say you have had enough, it’s too late. I am not in dispair, really.
12:17 AM Just verbalizing some frustrations
12:19 AM And working out next steps. I am an analyst at heart so it’s just a logic problem for me sometimes. Not devoid of emotion, because it’s there for sure, but it’s an intellectual set of problems for me to work through. I know I will get through it. I have been through other really painful times before and know I came out stronger.
12:20 AM So just working through it. And keeping my attention also on myself.
Consider it selfish or not, I am not going to compromise my health again