In the last few days I feel a sense of calm I haven’t experienced in a long long time. I’m not sure it’s going to last because that’s how trauma works, but I’ll take it because it’s at least moving forward. I’ve been spending more time thinking about what I can to make a change so the next person in my community does not experience the same judgments and barriers. Changing focus from getting angry at all the things I can’t do, my deficits and feeling helpless to feeling that I am not as powerless as I have chosen to believe has made a huge difference. It’s also allowed me to feel what’s beneath the anger, which are fear, hurt, betrayal and abandoned.
The difficulties are still here, especially not being able to give my kids 100% – that has been the hardest to accept – Fact is Vince caused my injuries and it really doesn’t matter what he wants to believes or tells people – I don’t think I care anymore because I know the truth and so does my medical team, and the proof for the lies and gaslighting are documented well in the many emails and texts. so his opinion doesn’t matter. Yes, it hurts but I think I am done trying to reconcile in equating the monster that he was with my loving. I didn’t do anything wrong for loving him or the persona. Who he tricked me into believing he was. However, I’ve come to accept he’s just not capable of attaching, having empathy or connecting to anyone – it is what it is, and I hope this new found peace I feel today lasts.