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Underneath the anger…

As you read through my posts, you’ll see the ups and downs of one day feeling strong and the next feeling as though everything is unraveling.  The days I unravel or when my anger is heightened are days that usually coincide with my Physical Therapy appointments or whenever I get more bad news.  I have 6 appointments per week with my neurologist’s office.  I have to do brain exercises to address not only the cognitive issues but the vestibular.  I can not look at these puzzles for more than a few minutes because I get nauseated.  I’m usually quiet as I try to accomplish the task, but my brain coach has caught on, and if there’s anything I am guilty of, is trying too hard to heal and not being patient enough with myself – It may have been my breaking down and crying because I was frustrated not being able to do the damn thing and being so incredibly nauseated.

Underneath the anger that I choose to feel is pain I don’t want to feel.  It’s feelings of betrayal, hurt and fear.  Fear that I will never be the same.  Betrayed because I loved, and sometimes think I still do, the man who did this to me.  I loved him with every cell in my body so I struggle trying to reconcile it all AND I think it’s time to just ACCEPT.  I am trying less and less to understand anymore and focusing more on how do I live my life with the injuries and deficits he is directly responsible for and not  associate them to him.  Facts are that he hurt me and there’s no room for for debate.  As a result I am not able to live a full life.  And it’s right about now that I get upset, but now I just STOP and focus on what I can do.

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