Abuser, Gaslighting, Healing Stages, Uncategorized

I have a right to be angry, feel sad and have ups and downs-I was ASSAULTED and have serious injuries

I was telling a friend about how frustrated I am with not being able to seperate my physical injuries from Vince since he caused them.  Perhaps I’m not conveying the extent of the damages he caused the night he threw me (his own words) against the wall. It was with such force that my head broke the glass on a framed picture that hung on the wall. The bump on my head took over a month to go down.  After he threw me he pinned me against the wall with his hand on my NECK while he slapped me across the face.  Later he tried to convince me my neck wasn’t really my neck, but rather my shoulder.  He wouldn’t let go of me and I was horrified – I finally managed to knock his glasses off his face and that was when I ran away from him to call the police. That night, because he chose to get violent he caused serious and irreversible damage that impacts everything I do.   The list of what I can’t do is long, and I feel bad about what seems to be a constant back and forth between letting go and regressing. I see my posts and I see moving forward one day and back the next, but that’s reality.  Physical and emotional trauma aren’t wrapped up in a nice little box with a bow on top and instructions inside.  I was never physically or emotionally abused and manipulated.  He really did a number on me and I’m embarrassed about it.  I’m embarrassed about feeling  insecure that resulted from the gaslighting, the love bombing and the constant take down.  It was constant!!! I’M EMBARRASSED not to have been stronger to have seen what was happening have allowed for him to control me so much that I didn’t feel I was whole and that all the issues we were having was somehow my fault.  That’s what gaslighting does to someone – it strips them from themselves.  It’s difficult to admit that someone took control of my mind and emotions without my realizing what was happening until it was too late.

It has been a journey I wish would end sooner rather than later, but at the same time this horrible experience with this despicable, unethical and cruel vermin has forced me to  really look inward to see what about me attracted someone like this and why in god’s name didn’t I trust my gut and walk away from him and instead became paralyzed and valuing myself based on his words. He got into my brain and made me doubt myself, but I didn’t know what he was doing had a name nor did I know the long term impact of gaslighting.  I was so confused because of the constant up or down that he said was my fault.  I began to buy his version of me to the point that I felt so worthless that I wanted to die.  This man scared/scares me so much because he is so cold and kniving that I decided in August I rather be afraid doing what I need to do to take care of myself, gain my self dignity back, and set an example for my kids than be afraid, paralyzed and waiting for his next move. He’s still in my head, devaluing me and telling me through his actions and words I am worthless.

Today I had two people from different parts of my life tell me I inspire them because of how strong I am.  I don’t feel very strong – One friend brought me to tears when she said she thinks about me a lot and that my words are with her as she navigates her way through an abusive relationship.  Along with being touched I am hesitant about sharing because I don’t think that about myself.  He made me feel as though I was a horrible human being, and for 14 months I have allowed for that to remain while he goes on with his life, traveling, I’m sure dating and screwing new suppliers, and not giving a damn about the harmor the seriousness of his choice to throw/slammed me have caused.  I only shared a part of the physical damage because the list is long.  I guess  I am strong because I no longer want to kill myself to tell my story and make people aware of abuse.  Yes, I actually said that to him.  I felt that worthless – I look back and think how hopeless I must have felt and how much fear I had of Vince and how muzzled I felt to want to die in order to be heard .  I am happy to be alive because he no longer defines me and because I recognize my life is worth living.  I am liked and I have friends and I’m not, not a decent person as he insinuated because I filed charges against him. Towards the end he threw things at me on two separate occasions and began to yell more and more knowing I couldn’t handle loud noises.  He mocked me and implied I was pretending to be sick.  It was horrible that the guy who is suppose to love me showed absolutely no respect or worthiness for my life.  Even sadder, but certainly a more intimate peak at his psyche and how devoid and disconnected he is was his response when I told him I was going to kill myself in order for the world to find out what a monster he was and what he had done to me – I was too afraid to tell my story because I feared him – How sad is that – His responded by hanging up on me.  Unable to look past his own infantile and fragile ego he hung up on me. I’m not kidding. I was perplexed! I called back and asked how dare he hang up, and that’s when he announced he wasn’t going to talk to anyone who wanted to hurt him.  NO JOKE.  My psychiatrist’s mouth dropped when I told him that.  I was stunned and asked if I heard correctly that he wasn’t concerned about me but how it was going to impact him after I was dead. He began to tell me I was this or that and how could I want to hurt him.  Really.  His focus did not veer from himself and continued to characterize my wanting to be heard and for the truth to be told as to want to “hurt” him.  Yes, he defines hurting him as telling the truth with actual fact to back it up.  He had every right to lie about me but I didn’t have a right to tell my story.  Second time and thank god it’s on text he told me to go through with it.  He simply didn’t give a crap about me, my life or my kids.  He doesn’t give a crap about his own kids.  It’s all about how it makes him look and I’m not saying that lightly.  Obviously there are things I can not openly talk about but a parent who has chosen some of the things he has chosen should be sent to a mental asylum.  So, I knew all this but I still stayed…I stayed Just like every other woman who has been abused, and I’ve come to realize that that’s where change needs to take place.  I have to find a way to turn this into a positive and something bigger than me.   I want to do something to impact change.  I don’t know what, but this man should be in jail with felony charges for what he did to me, and instead he’s traveling, posting selfies and screwing another poor victim, and telling lies about me and smearing my name.  My heart goes out to her  and hope she realizes sooner rather than later that the guy is poisonous.  As I was saying…I have to turn this into a positive…I’m going to be in recovery for a long time and must make peace with something.  I need to reconcile that my life has changed without fault of my own and because of a violent crime.  I was the victim but I am also a survivor and I have to use my story in a way to help others.  Right after his trial and pleading to a lesser charge he told me to get a life and find interests outside of him. He said this knowing I had a concussion.  So, a year later and I have found my cause.  I have to tell my story because the system failed me.  From the City of Alexandria Police to the Commonwealth Attorney’s office to the probation department that allows for less than qualified therapists to provide anger management to the board that governs their license and to the VA Bar.  The system failed me because it expected me to remain without emotion – it expected me to be calculating.  It assumed I was a whore because I had sex with him after the incident.  What it didn’t realize was that I couldn’t breath and I couldn’t stand to have his hand on my neck.  There’s a text history.  I don’t lie.  I was confused and I was in shock yet the system didn’t take any of that into consideration when it was dealing with me.  I asked for a delay because I wasn’t together enough to gather the texts and emails of him apologizing for what he had done.  I was crying too much and they didn’t feel I was stable.  No shit.  I had PTSD.  I was attacked.  My god.  Over time the severity of the injuries have come to light so had they waited a plea would have never been offered, instead charges would have changed to a felony.

So, Vince, my cause is going to be to make sure what happened to me never ever happens to anyone else…You wanted me to find a life and a cause….I’ve found one thanks to you.  I don’t know how yet, but I am so done feeling as though you got away with all that you have.  Something must change.  I am done keeping your dirty secrets as you continue to smear my name – It’s not your word against my word anymore because there are emails, texts and taped recordings that show who you are and how you lied and then…well…we’ll see what happens, but every time now that I get angry or upset because of my deficits I am no longer going to want to call you and cry and ask why.  Instead, I am going to focus on what I can do to make sure this doesn’t happen to anyone else.  I am going to focus on that because you will never be able to answer why because you will never be able to face yourself in the mirror.  You are a coward.  A dangerous, poisonous, violent criminal.  You lied to mutual friends and up until this point I’ve kept the truth from them hoping you will get off your high horse and recognize the danger in what you are doing in how you are treating me and what you are doing to my reputation.  You are lying about me and I will no longer have it.  I have everything from doctor’s notes to old emails to prove who the liar and mentally unstable person is between us.  I don’t fear going to a forensic psychologist.  I don’t fear because I have nothing to hide.  You on the other hand are telling everyone the judge didn’t believe me in the restraining order hearing.  No, he didn’t believe I was scared of you, but he believed you hurt me, specially after your lawyer lied about your hands being on my shoulder and my producing the tape of you saying you threw me against the wall, slapped me and characterizing the attack as violent.  #Timesup Vince.  You can be a charmer but what you have done to me is now front and center so thank you for being the ass hole that you are when you kicked me when I was at my lowest by telling me to get a life, to find a cause, to find other interests than you.  I did.  I’m going to share my story to help others.  I’m not going to be ashamed of what you did to me.  You should be ashamed and hiding.  Not me.   No more…no more…no more..I’m free of you Vince….or at least on my way…doing something positive is going to be the only way I get through this so go pedal a little faster so you can run away from the reality.  Go post more selfies and go on your dating sites you claim you aren’t in.  You are such a liar and eventually everyone will see it and no one will respect you because you can’t wear the nice guy hat forever.  You just aren’t who you think you are.

 

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