I began this post when I wasn’t feeling that great. Wondering for the millionth time WHY? there’s no answer. I know that…I ask because I can never imagine being so cruel. I am far from perfect – I wiped this man’s ass taking care of him after three major cycling accidents. I slept next to him for two weeks waking up to each wimper, getting him whatever he needed. I truly loved him. He on the other hand yelled at me when I told him there were signs my ear was damaged as a result of him losing his temper and slamming or throwing me into the wall. He yelled and said he wasn’t going to give up his cycling trip. That was the end for me, but I’m embarrassed to say that it took that long after he first assaulted me to finally say no more. It took much work to break free from the lies but I am having a hard time with total acceptance. Total acceptance that someone I loved so much could be so cruel…I know, I sound like a broken record and pathetic…it’s a process. I don’t know how this will end…I don’t know if I’ll ever be back to normal but I will choose for now to be optimistic in that if I do everything the doctors say I have a chance at regaining normalcy. I don’t know if that will be 3 months or 6 or 9 or 12 so maybe it’s time to just let go of wondering when and just do what I need to do and hope for the best…
Do you understand what you did. Do you understand that you never cared for me. Do you remember only worrying about yourself when I was suicidal. Do you remember the cruelty you inflicted upon me knowing I ended up with a concussion and PTSD after you assaulted me. Do you remember wanting to leave me, in the dark, on the parkway? Do you remember throwing things at me and then kissing and hugging me pretending you were sorry so I wouldn’t call the police? What did I ever do to you to deserve being treated as if I was nothing. As if my life or my health didn’t matter. Why? I wanted to move years ago. Why did you lie and promise me forever so I’d stay. Why play with my head like you did. Why hurt me the way you did. Why slam me so hard to cause the damages you did…why? Why? What did I ever do to you? Do you understand what not having a vestibular nerve on one side of your ear does to a person? I told you this in court but your stupid attorney didn’t want the judge to see the doctor’s note. In time you will – you will have to face me and what you did and what you stole from me. I still can’t run. I still can’t drive at night or into busy areas. I still get nauseated when I do things that my brain can’t handle. Do you understand the extent of the damage you caused? Do you get it? Do you understand the hardship I am facing with not knowing if I will ever be normal again. Do you care? How can you pretend you’re a decent human being? How can you let me suffer as I watch my debt go higher and higher paying for damages you caused. I’m still riding Uber. I’m still needing help with my kids and the house. So while you show off riding around on your bike, posting pictures of yourself, fucking whoever, being the victim with your family and colleagues, spending time Facebooking and making plans to take your kids here or there, I can’t even take my kids anywhere since I can’t drive. I can’t plan anything simple. So while you pedal faster in hopes to forget the reality of what you did, I’m here living with the consequences of your actions. While you live your perfect life pretending it was all me, I live with the consequences of the real you. While you go visiting your friends and gaining support because you’ve made yourself out to be the victim, I sit alone, unable to plan, unable to live my life. I owe you nothing Vince…I owe you nothing. I wish you could find the balls to act like a man, to get real help. I dream of being apologized to. I dream of wanting to see you say how sorry you really are and owning what you did. I dream of you stopping lying…but that’s all that is…a fantasy I have when the pain of dealing with what you did is so gross.
I found these to shift my mood. Time is up Vince. I am not going to own the shame – never again will I apologize for anything I didn’t do. Never….