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Mind F&*!

The two exchanges are from last February.  This is how he played with me – As I explained before he was nice to me until his court hearing because he wanted me to drop the charges and when I didn’t, but requested that the no contact portion of the order be dropped since he asked, pretending to not be able to live without me when in reality he didn’t want the courts telling him to stay away from me, he went back to being an ass.  The emotional BS and gaslighting got worse when he began to use sex to make me feel bad – I deleted some of the text since it was way too much information but the gist of what happened was, he was cruel to me. We went to bed with me crying and fully clothed, he then began to kiss me and pretty much forced my clothes off, played with me and right when we were going to have sex he stopped and said he wanted to just hold and comfort me. Let me be clear when I say he stopped right before I mean right BEFORE!  Later, after I expressed my frustration and questioned what sort of game he was playing, he said he didn’t want to because I had bit his nipple.  Kinda like last May, when I asked him why he shaved his pubes, he lied saying he did it for me, but I reminded him we were fighting before his trip to Iowa and there were no plans to see one another.  He didn’t have an answer so he got on top of me, started kissing me and that was that…My money is on him screwing around with someone in Iowa.  I don’t know that for sure but given he needs to be Mr. Perfect to someone, the way he acted, and the things he said and how angry he got when I told him I was going to show whoever he was seeing the text he sent saying he wasn’t seeing anyone 🙂 I don’t think he was ever faithful. I mean why would one get upset over being exposed if they weren’t really seeing anyone? Anyway, I was never able to prove it but why would he be faithful….I was nothing to him.  How pathetic am I to be explaining to him he should want to kiss my ass given what he did to me.  He isn’t capable…just need to remind myself of that over and over again. He has never been capable of doing the right thing so why start now – He wasn’t able to do the right thing with his own kids so how can he do the right thing for anyone….

On Mon, Feb 27, 2017 at 4:23 PM, Vesta <ve@gmail.com> wrote:

I need it to be clear that I do not agree with the story you shaped after the events.  That is gaslighting.  You were going out of your way trying to turn me on asking me why I was dressed.  You were touching me and kissing me and got me in the mood.  We were totally into each other…..I asked if you didn’t want to have sex and you said no, I just wanted to hold you and comfort you. That was your initial answer.  The rest came later as usual.   In my gut I think you have no desire to be around me and I think you are because you are afraid of a law suit.  I think you have moved on and given how you justified dating me after Christine I have a hard time believing you haven’t met someone else.  It really doesn’t matter if you have or not, but something about your behavior is off.  You were so loving before the 17th and then you became a dick and we were back on the mary-go-round.  It’s not good for my health so unless you can put the games aside and be real then lets stop talking all together.  I can’t put up with games or bull shit.  It’s not good for me whatsoever because it confuses me and raises my blood pressure and brings on stress and anxiety.
What you did last night and you did do what I know you did for whatever reason because you didn’t say one thing about my biting you when I asked you if you didn’t want to have sex.  Your initial response was “no, I just wanted to hold you”  What sort of games are you playing with me Vince?  Seriously, I’m not that stupid so please don’t do it.  It’s going to back fire.  Your treatment of me is going to blow up in your face because it’s off. I liked who you were the week of my birthday.  If you want to be that person again, great but I need easy going and drama free and you are full of both.  So please please stop it.  I don’t want to be your fuck buddy or friend with benefit.  I want a lover who’s an adult who will treat me like a woman should be treated.  That’s what I want.  The rest will come or it wont.  I need to move and get the hell out of here.
 …….I will ask doctor if I can fly.  I had a hard day physically and tried my best to be good company.  You are way too serious for someone who complains about me being too serious and wanting to talk all the time.  Every time I loosen up you tighten up.    I also reached back out to Christine and asked her a few questions to shed light on situations I am unsure about.  Given the rocky road we are on, I plan to make a decision whether to cut all contact with you by the end of this week if I have the funny feeling in my gut continues.  I want to listen to myself and right now I’m under the impression you were so sweet because you wanted something and because you didn’t get it you are back to your old self.  So, you have till Sunday to prove, not with your words, but by your action, otherwise.  I don’t feel right Vince.  I have been crying and anxious and afraid I what you did has fucked me up.  I am afraid you aren’t helping because you aren’t taking it seriously or don’t believe it’s actually happening.  I don’t know but please please please blah blah blah blah….LOL..shame on me for writing yet another email that will go unanswered like all the other ones I have sent today or before today……I think you are trying to keep a low profile 🙂
From: Vince <v@gmail.com>
to: Vesta <ve@gmail.com>
date: Mon, Feb 27, 2017 at 4:57 PM
subject: Re: about last night

I will continue to let you know how I feel in the moment.  I did last night and will do so in the future and I am really very sorry if I frustrated you.  There wasn’t any intent to frustrate you,  I think I have a long enough track record of being passionate with you that you can trust I am not playing some game.

I’m not really happy you feel the need to give me a deadline but I appreciate you letting me know where you are.  If you can put some things in context over the past 48-72 hours it might help you understand that I am struggling too with where we are and how we are treating each other.  I want it to be easy for both of us.  I want us to enjoy each others company.  That’s possible if we both are attentive and we are both forgiving.  I will do my best to be attentive to your needs and letting you know what i feel mine aren’t being met and I will not react to my first thoughts when I feel things are going sideways.
XO
–V

On Mon, Feb 27, 2017 at 5:10 PM, Vesta <ve@gmail.com> wrote:

This is why I am scared. This is why I am so scared that no amount of Ketamine can help.  I am so scared of never being normal.  Of never finding love. Of never being the mom I was.  Never being able to drive. Never being able to smell the sea. Never being able to listen to loud music.  Never being able to look to the left.  Never being able to look up at someone.  Never remembering things that happened yesterday.  Never experiencing the feeling after a run. Never knowing normal as I once knew it. Ketamine has been great because I wanted to die  3 weeks ago and could not stop crying and panicking, but it can not solve my anxiety over what has happened to me, and a part of me believes you need to suffer with me.  That’s not rational but I want you to know how it feels to feel so off.  I want you to understand and empathize and kiss my ass because it is scary to be living with this.  My friend in my neighborhood told me it has been almost two years for her this summer and she’s still foggy.  She’s still off…I’m scared of that.  If I don’t have short term memory how will I learn anything – how will I go back to school.  I’m just scared and want you to understand.  And I want you to emotionally be present and not get defensive.  I want you to be okay with my feeling like you owe me because I will take you erasing my computers 10 times over and ripping up my own pictruess 30 times over to what I am going through.  It is really really really really scary
from: Vince <vi@gmail.com>
to: Vesta <ve@gmail.com>
date: Mon, Feb 27, 2017 at 5:15 PM

I know.  You are going to be okay and I will be there to help you get there again.  Stay positive and rest.  Do the things you need to to make that outcome happen.

XO
-V
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3 thoughts on “Mind F&*!”

  1. The long enough track record is such a shitty argument. I related it to something someone said to me fairly recently, so thank you for that. But anyway, I recognize it as a deflection (?) of sorts. Your feelings about it don’t matter, he’s just defending himself and denying your perspective. Lack of validation there. Trying to get you to ignore your feelings about the whole thing.

    And the track record thing…as if because he’s done something all along he can’t possibly do something different now. It’s bullshit.

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    1. Thank you for that. I restle with posting personal exchanges because it’s not me. That said, and you hit the nail on the head, I feel I have to expose the truth and what I experienced on a regular basis because it has left me with a sense of self doubt and insecurity I have never felt before. The validation I am receiving from doctors as to the damages he caused physically and gaining an outside perspective on the long term emotional abuse has helped immensely in helping me find my way back to me but I have moments that I still need to talk about and show my proof of what happened to show myself I’m not crazy as he made me out to be. He definitely became more emotionally abusive after the assault and also more aggressive physically as he threw things at me or tried to get me to get out of the car at night in the middle of the parkway – it was just one more indicator that he absolutely had no concern about my safety. Looking back, it also became clear he was going to hit me again because he had done it once. He is a monster. He does what he does with me with his kids so why did I ever think he could be different with me…well, that’s my own baggage I’m working on so I never put myself in such danger again. Thanks so much for your support and validating in what was happening.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good god, it sounds like a nightmare to be around him. I’m sorry you went through all that. It’s terrifying to think he spends time with children.

        Psychological abuse is awful, I’ve been through it so I know how much it messes with your self confidence and sense of reality too. It’s so great that you have others (esp. doctors) who validate you. Doctors can be really abusive too so I’m happy for you that you found some that are not.

        I understand the need to write it all out too. Anyway, your welcome to the support. I know how hard recovery from abuse can be.

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