Healing Stages, Uncategorized, Understanding Narcissistic Abuse

Nothing lonelier than being alone, in a relationship…

I began to miss him last night.  I tried fact checking but this time, like so many times in the past, I ignored it.  No, I didn’t contact him and don’t plan on it, but I also don’t want to feel the devastation I feel.  The tightness in my chest that I haven’t felt in a while is back, the self doubt, the tears, and the question I thought I was done asking, why did this have to happen.  Why did he do this.  Why would anyone do this another human being.  How can someone I loved be so dangerous, so detached and why in gods name did I fall for it.  I just responded to someone saying I had forgiven myself.  It’s up and down.  I’ve enjoyed now almost a month of up and happiness – the longest stretch in almost 6 years, but tonight I feel sad and I feel alone.   I keep telling myself he’s detached, has no empathy, betrayed me over and over and over again, gaslighted me, lied and never had my best interest at heart.  Maybe I’m crying for me…not about missing him but maybe I’m crying because I hurt that someone would inflict such pain onto me.  That someone be so heartless to tell me to kill myself.  That’s not love…I’m rambling….I want this to be over…I just want this nightmare to be over…I want to recover fully from the injuries he caused and then move somewhere far away from  here…I want to be able to drive farther than the 3 miles I can drive.  I want to be able to not feel sick…I’m so tired of this…so tired of working every single day on undoing what he did to me.  I am tired of working on healing…I’m tired of all the doctor’s appointments, the constant exercises…I’m just tired…

 

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3 thoughts on “Nothing lonelier than being alone, in a relationship…”

  1. ohhh hun you are better than him they don’t know what it means to love someone nor how to live an honest good life. I know it hurts a lot I myself is only at 3 weeks no contact and well I had a feeling he was a narc (or at least something horrible to that affect) about 6 months ago but stupid me bailed him outta jail thinking wow he has really hit rock bottom and maybe things with be different/better this time…well it wasn’t, it was worst than ever… i know its hard to loose hope in a person but in a way that’s kinda what you have to do and if this guy wanted you to kill yourself well that is so so morally wrong…the last thing mine said to me was when you die are you going to leave me your house and not to worry cause i will die before him…i was in tears too…there is just no heart or soul in them you are worth so much more

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