This is where we get stuck! trying to “get back” to the charm and the praise. The constant roller coaster we put ourselves on not knowing what is happening – it can drive anyone insane. That’s what they want. My life, my wants, my well being was never considered with Vince. It’s still hard to have to face myself because it hurts and no one wants to feel conned, but that’s the truth. I meant nothing. In the end he manipulated his “therapist” who was an LPC so not much schooling or training and incredibly naive considering she began to see him a week after he attacked me not because he wanted to but because I told him he had to. He found the cheapest therapist he could find on his plan and started going. He worked her and she, without knowing it, became his supplier. She diagnosed me and gave him the green light to treat me even worse. At first I was angry because he was getting worse, but now I am glad. She did me a favor because it allowed me to see him for what he really was. For someone to attack another person and not have an ounce of sorrow, manage to lie and blame it on the victim and then be as pompous of an ass hole as he was…well, thank you Bethany. The cat and mouse game he plays is comical. He blocks after I told him I wanted nothing to do with him, which I have come to learn is common amongst narcissists. I thought I was alone in this but the people in the support groups I belong to tell the same story and feel the same frustration as I did. Everything is a game to these people…they leave their victims in ruin and act as if nothing is wrong…well, like the writer say…Karma…karma, karma, karma…
Posted by ANA – After Narcissistic Abuse
YES – temporarily we ‘basically’ represent the object of their desire, the love of their life, their dream come true, their one and only, and so many other things that make us THINK they are right there with us. This feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s just something novel, new and fun for them because they needed NEW and better supply. Seriously their words were/are empty to the core because they are COMPLETELY empty and a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts and supply is their drug of choice, so they are always off and looking for the next fix! SO in reality we literally ARE the answer to THEIR NEEDS because a relationship with a Narcissist is only about fulfilling THEIR NEEDS.
They do enjoy the chase and the seduction because we are reflecting all of those amazing qualities they believe they have. They just love creating the illusion that they’re something they are not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fictional stage productions – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the truth but debilitating when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, etc. AGAIN – when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person and they will say ANYTHING to get what they want!
All in all this pretty much fuels and feeds their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp and once your identity, hopes and expectations are becoming too evident and too real they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion because they DO NOT BOND WITH OTHER PEOPLE – they use them. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return, this is only a one-way street with them. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of them and show that we also have needs. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner; they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire, but THEY will give nothing in return.
SO whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM – again it all depends on what the Narcissist wants or desperately needs from you. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order in their life, respectability, stability as in a façade or a diversion he/she can hide his/her perverse nature and appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term relationship with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will most likely be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. Despite the differences in length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs. This is just their daily cycle of engaging with people to get what the Narcissist needs and desires – again supply to keep them feeling alive, superior, omnipotent AND most importantly it protects them from seeing what they really are.
So, when does it all come DOWN???? All of a sudden you fall from the Narcissist’s graces and you become an obstacle in their next pursuit and the Narcissist is ready to fight the fight to dump you, but cautiously (without you having knowledge of it) and WHEN the time is just right OR perfect or when they have a new source of supply to move onto! They are setting “Narcissistic land mines” everywhere, so when they have moved on and you begin to “step back out” into the real world, you inevitably step on one of their bombs that blows up your integrity. These bombs are everywhere and the damage is too! They are in place to divert from the obvious truth that your Narcissist was a big CON artist, extortionist and abuser. BUT this con artist is going to con whomever they can into believing that it was you that was the problem and even the abusive person in the relationship. They cannot be exposed or it would put them out of business and they would be labeled as an ABUSER. So, with that in mind, the “great devaluation” fulfils our predestined destiny with the Narcissist and the losses are great. The Narcissist just moved on to start the cycle of abuse with another person.
OK so let’s review and examine the personal aspects of what happened to embrace the truth a little better and see this abuse EXACTLY for what it was and is. If and when that Narcissist did something nice, it was always instrumental or a means to an end and part of his/her con job or facade. So let’s apply it to the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde explanation. Dr. Jekyll is, in fact, always Mr. Hyde on the inside or that seething monster. WE are quite capable of love, BUT what have we fallen in love with? OK you probably already know the answer but I am going to say it regardless. You are NOT in love with the “real monster” or the Narcissist OR the cheater, the liar, the manipulator, the player, the hollow, heartless being and abuser that they are, but instead with the charming illusion they created, or the mask, the big lie, or the ‘Love Bomber’ that seduced you into this connection or relationship.
As a rule of thumb we don’t intentionally fall in love with monsters, generally there is always a superhero in life to defeat that monster or a local government agency that handles monsters and we escape unscathed. But that doesn’t happen in real life and as it concerns this abuse! But can we put a little spin or perspective on this! Narcissists are clearly predators as described by how they camouflage and manipulate us into a position to gain our trust and then extort us of everything we have as well as psychologically terrorize us in an effort to harm us AND to invoke fear to silence us in the end to protect themselves from being exposed. So in reality they fit the monster aspect but we have to become our own saviors and superhero to escape and gain our freedom once more.
That CHARMING person that swept you off of your feet and became the HARMING person in your life becomes increasingly transparent now. From beginning to end, this was a phony relationship that only offered you a toxic dose of fake love and real abuse. The Narcissist created a psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation, and LIES, LIES, LIES! We were seduced by them and maintained this relationship through self-sacrifice and denial. It is not what we wanted it was what we were led to do because of the vast arsenal of tools a Narcissist used/uses to psychologically seduce a target/victim.
OK – yes we do realize one day that we were duped by a Narcissist, BUT we are not weak or dumb and don’t ever believe that, nor did we deserve this abuse. It was not us versus the Narcissist as if we knew what we were dealing with and played along with the BIG CON job because we wanted to be abused! It is and always has been ONLY the Narcissist with the abusive agenda that was in the driver’s seat with the intent to use us AND harm us. They come into our life and then take up the battle they have with all life and people, so consequently we are the targets and victims and eventually the casualties. They CHARM us to HARM us – so the biggest lie or con starts the first day they meet us and start to pretend to love us. The biggest surprise of all comes with devaluation. He/she will act like your worst enemy, which is what the Narcissist really is, not the best friend and adoring partner he/she claimed to be OR the love of your life. The Narcissist will criticize you to others or more to destroy you. The Narcissist will subtly foster disparity by putting wedges in between you and your family members and friends. All of this is done in a manner to further wear you down, undermine and DAMAGE your connections and interactions with people and life in general or to divide, isolate, and conquer so that they still have control over you until they are able to run off safely to secure their next victim.
The Narcissist is VERY complete with his/her devaluation and abandonment. The Narcissist convinces or manipulates others to see you the same way that he/she does, or someone that is worthless, a deviant, garbage, a liar, perverted, or all of the above and more. The real truth and what it boils down to is that you were just another person the Narcissist used until they were satiated, then they demeaned and discarded you when they found another source or were busted because the truth of who and what they were came to the surface. Before you were amazing and no one could compare to you. Now you are at best plain in their eyes if not described as repulsive or ugly. Before you were special, intelligent, dignified, and confident – now you are described as mentally ill, the crazy one, obsessed, scorned and the Narcissist had to run for their life to escape your craziness or that YOU abused them! NO – you were just another sacrifice to meet the Narcissists needs and there will be others sacrificed as well.
Nothing was ever real – and those four words sum it up completely. This is emotional and psychological abuse and the target/victim is left vulnerable to sort all of this abuse out with more loss to come with the secret smear campaign that awaits them. There may be children involved, financial ruin, and even homelessness. There will be always be the nay-sayers that have to doubt that this is abuse and worthy of recognition and just respond with “move on?” There will also be the minions that are just that weak that they hang onto every word/lie a Narcissist speaks and follows them into battle to help destroy a target/victim? But they are not important to your recovery. The Narcissist is just that seductive and intuitive enough to brain-wash so many people into believing their con. These are abusive predators and extortionist and they are destructive. NO/MINIMAL CONTACT and boundaries that are impenetrable. Always remember this is THEIR circus, their monkeys, and their KARMA! Greg