on the 21st of December I was slammed against the wall by my “partner” – while it’s far from over, trying to heal and move forward from the physical injuries inflicted upon me that night, and the damage to my soul, sense of self and my sanity after enduring 5 years of emotional abuse and constant gaslighting, has been a long and painful journey.
No contact has been my life saver, and believe me when I say it’s hard, but it allowed for relief from the constant and ongoing mind fuck that I was continuing to deal with because I hung on, even after the December 21st incident, hoping for remorse and change. Instead he became more cruel and more intense. It is hard for me to wrap my head around having him tell me he loves me and cares about me yet tells me to kill myself to put him out of his misery. I struggle with understanding how a person who supposedly loves another can do or say one thing but then deny the incident or words every happened. I guess it’s a good thing not to understand…but what still bothers me worse is his belief that I am the unhealthy one and he is perfect. I also would be lying if I didn’t wish he would seek help – now that’s from the venom that is still in me because my sane self understands he will never change. I know today he is high after cycling wherever he went to cycle because that’s how he forgets. He’s probably posting all sorts of pictures of himself and stories and enjoying the high of being the center of attention. His belief that I am “unhealthy” is high right now because he’s high…LOL…I know how he operates. Well, the reality of the situation is that he can’t cycle, work, drink, ignore, run and walk his way out of his head and all the things he has done. Everything will catch up to him. I believe in Karma and I believe someday, when he least expects it, it’s going to remind him of the evil that he is. Anyway, I am much better than I was last year but have more to do, lots more…sometimes, I still feel it’s important for me to go in to painful and boring details that may seem silly to you, accompanied by “proof” showing the lies, the gaslighting and the cruelty I endured. I sometimes still need to fact check because he’s still in my head, causing self doubt…I am looking forward to having me back, and I will continue to work as hard as I can to erase his control over me…it’s hard to admit that because I don’t view myself as stupid, but this guy…he did a number on me…on that note I wish you a wonderful and Happy New Year!