Gaslighting, My Story

a covert’s way of handling a wedgie :)

I feel silly posting this but I have come to realize those of us who have experienced a relationship with monsters tell the stories to validate what really happened vs what they wanted us to think happened.  For me, where I am at today, re reading the emails and going over what happened is helping me gain back my sense of self -fact checking is vital.  That said, I am actively working to separate him from the injuries he caused so that I don’t think about that day or him each time I am unable to do something. Not easy, especially when the bastard is pompous and doesn’t have any remorse.  I’ve accepted that, but still doesn’t make it easier…

The picture should give you an idea of the size difference between the two boys.  I couldn’t think of a better example to show how he and his ex, who is worse than he is in many ways, handled their 5 foot 10, 13 year old son, giving my little man a wedgie, despite my son asking him to stop.

Both of their response is typical of how they handled situation that may stain their idea of how perfect they are.  He belittles the incident and essentially blame my 6 year old.  As adults both can not handle taking responsibility for anything.  In their minds it’s alway somebody else’s fault and that is exactly what they are teaching their kids.

The following is his initial email from March of 2014.

“I will talk to R*** about it tonight but what I wanted to talk to you about…so you don’t keep thinking about what bothered me…is that the example you gave me and R***was an example of an extreme outlier. Wedgies have been performed for decades, thousands and maybe millions of times a day across the word and you probably can find less than a handful of injuries as a result. This is similar to my booster seat/decapitation story. I don’t like to promote a culture of danger when the danger is not real. I don’t fault you for feeling that K*** should not be harmed or treated that way, which is why I said I didn’t think you did anything wrong and why I will talk to R***. But I don’t agree with posing the article as proof that this danger is real, because it’s not in my opinion except for extreme cases, which this is not nor would it be something that I believe R***would even engage in. Worth a conversation and why I wanted to talk more.

Not sure what to do with K***. I am really glad that he likes R*** but it would be better if the focus on R***was muted a little. I will try to be a little more affectionate with him to see if it helps. He was fine during the hike. There is no way that R**** would have kept up with us, yet K*** was right with us the whole time and sometimes in front. Fast little guy. Definitely more sports for him.”


This is how crazy ex handled it.  Her son was standing 5 feet away from my 6 year old as he purposely threw a tennis ball at his eye. 

I understand Vince shared with you details of the incident between R*** and K***. This sounds very dramatic. Are you referring to the tennis ball that R*** threw at K***. I heard about this situation from R****  and he was shocked that R*** got in trouble for it. He said that they were all playing and it got rough. He stated he thought it was a mistake and that R*** apologized right away. Rowan was confused that this was a big deal.
She gaslights too by turning everything around.  Her youngest was yelling at his brother blaming him for throwing the ball on purpose.  The youngest often complained that his mom was barely home leaving him and his brother alone who often bullied him and physically hurt him or teased him.  It was much more than siblings fighting.  It was sad. 
K*** is a loving little boy who loves R*** .  He is a happy little guy who wants to play with him, hold his hands and be affectionate.  His father and I have always been affectionate with our kids so that’s what they know, but that doesn’t mean he’s that way with everyone. He sees Vince, R*** & R**** as family and feels close to them.  So, I’ve had to work with him in explaining that everyone is different and that he needs to respect R*** and give him space. And, over time he’s learned to do that. He needs reminders once in a while but for the most part he’s backed off from wanting to hold his hand or hugging him.  Both the boys have complained to me the K*** is aggressive and will not leave them alone. They have stated that neither you nor Vince deal with the situation effectively and often just ignore it. They have mentioned that he spits in faces and is very very aggressive with his sister. They do not like to be in long car rides with him or other situations where they have to deal with his behavior. I have only responded that he is young, they need to be patient and that they should request that the adults assist when this happens.
Umm….She spun that one, didn’t she.  Her kids aren’t separate beings – they are an extension of her and so both go to great length to cover up.  It’s sad…it’s really sad.
That said, their relationship took a hit when R*** gave K*** a wedgie last spring.  Following that incident K*** no longer wanted to come to Vince’s place or see R***, which I respected and did not push. Did Vince deal with this at the time? Any consequences for R***? I did not hear anything about it. R*** should have had consequences for this. 
 David & I decided to take him to his therapist to make sure he was okay and to seek her advice on how to handle the situation appropriately.   This is not connecting. You took your son to a therapist because of the wedgie? I don’t understand. She suggested it was important R*** apologize to K*** in front of me and Vince and make it was clear to R*** that K*** would let us know if he acted in an inappropriate manner.   Did this happen? Did it settle the issue? 
I invited her and Vince to go see a child therapist to help us work together.  This was her response but then when you are a control freak and want to control the narrative, you act like a bully.
Know that I love R*** and R**** like they are my own, and I don’t say any of this lightly.  I have watched R***d get increasingly aggressive with R**** without any consequence.  Vince may not discipline the children when issues arise but I certainly do. R**** has complained to me that his father does not deal with issues when they arise, historically this has been the pattern. Vince has not said anything to me about this behavior increasing and R*** and R**** have been getting along well when with me. 
Because when he did she didn’t like to hear it.  When Vince disciplined him by limiting his time on his iphone and social media, she lied to Vince after I pointed out he was posting pictures on instagram when he wasn’t suppose to have his phone.  Not only was the kid posting pictures his dad took, but he was taking credit for having taken them.  Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…
Because I am not his parent I am not able to discipline so in those situations all I do is tell him to stop, be kind and encourage R**** to speak up and share with you and his dad.  I have seen Lee argue with Vince begging him not to leave R**** alone with R*** after school as R**** fears him and doesn’t feel safe with him. I have never heard this before and have asked Vince to confirm that this conversation actually happened. Normally Lee would speak to me directly if she had such a concern as we have a very good relationship.
The mother in law, Lee, did nothing but bad mouth her, complaining about how selfish she is and how much money she spends and none of it is on the kids.  She complained that she does most of their shopping because their clothes is often too small.
The ex made fun of the in laws for cutting off her birthday money by $75.00 after they were divorced.
Vince does not recollect his mother “begging” on this issue or any conversation that resembles what you have portrayed here. Please ask him. This is an exaggeration. 
She did nothing when Vince confirmed I was not exaggerating and that the incident did in fact happen. Vince felt begging was a strong word but then how does one describe his mother crying, asking why they don’t hire a sitter.  He looked at her and did the same exact thing that he use to do to me.  He lied through his teeth and made her feel stupid.  He learned from the best since that is exactly how she communicates when she doesn’t want to deal with discomfort.
Will post the rest later…lots of redactions to be done.
I feel lucky to still be alive and no longer made to feel as though everything is my imagination.

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