This hit home tonight. Sigh…
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
You can’t engage in any conversation with a Narcissist that has the truth (about them) as the basis concerning their accountability in any given situation. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN! So what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to accept accountability because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity – or let’s just say the DEFLECT. This became a day to day occurrence with me, I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist in the ‘here and now’ is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you – it will only enrage them more and they will lash out at you more – it is a NO WIN SITUATION with a Narcissist!
Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss! You can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how disordered they are until AFTER they have moved on and the fog you are in starts to clear. Immediately after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse that it is amazing that you can see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them and all of the damage they have actually caused. What I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from a great deal of grief and help you get to more and real clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery!
No contact literally saves your life and enables to move onto clarity (and the truth) as far as it concerns your emotions AND their abusive manner that was meant to destroy you. No contact is not meant to be a simple phrase as if someone is telling you to “just move on,” it is a reality meant to stop the insanity or you will end up debilitated and destroyed. To those that have to stay in contact, minimum contact is your only hope. If you have biological children or they are family, you HAVE to disengage from ANY emotional connection with them. In other words you have to put up a wall that only allows you to establish parameters around important matters, and shut off anything else. Easier said than done because the Narcissist means business when it comes to getting back at you especially if they suspect that you are on to them. Mine kept up the abuse for 8 months after all was said and done and it only ended when I COMPLETELY enforced the no contact rule and THEN I was able to move forward with clarity and the truth.
My next suggestion is to try your hardest to seek support from a very select group of friends and loved ones that YOU CAN ultimately trust. We are ‘damned if we do or damned if we don’t’ respond to the many negative allegations that this Narcissist has waged against us to some of the very closet people in our lives, but those that really care and know you WILL be there for you. The Narcissist will distort everything using familiarity (from knowing our innermost secrets) with vicious lies about you to protect themselves from exposure and instill fear into us. Once a Narcissist sees that you have caught onto them they will focus on destroying you. They will stop at nothing to prove that you are the source of the collapse of this relationship, a liar, loser, abusive, the person having affairs, etc., and basically the person who deserves all the blame. Along the same lines trying to explain your side of the story to people will make you seem crazy because our stories are incredulous! You will only feel invalidated and frustrated trying to tell the truth over and over again and hearing those dismissing comments to just move on because time heals all! You need tried and true friends to accomplish a secure and trusted support network. Your best bet is to find and connect with other survivors, a therapist that understands this abuse THROUGH a target/victim’s eyes, and group therapy if one exists in your area. Invest in yourself to get the help that is out there so you CAN and WILL move on and away from them forever!
When this abuse reaches the point that you have been abandoned or ‘you’ have left this Narcissist the truth will be very disabling and will tear at the very core of your spirit or being. Again, add to this that the Narcissist is well aware that you may retaliate, so he/she has been planning their departure many months prior to it happening and they have been doing damage control by secretly devaluing you to most anyone that will listen! You are overloaded with emotions, and all of the lies that were spread about you by the Narcissist becomes overwhelming and DEBILITATING so be prepared in a manner that you know you will experience some very rough times but keep moving forward to your recovery because THAT is what is most important! EVENTUALLY the truth will always come out, but you can’t force awareness of that truth until it happens and people will see the true pattern AND then it will work against the Narcissist. Liars have to have PERFECT memories and recall to keep their lies straight and Narcissists always operate in a hit and run manner and get caught up in their distorted stories and they can never keep all of their lies straight – mine most certainly couldn’t! I wish I could say that you can speak openly with the truth as you know it and that will fix all of this immediately, BUT it doesn’t work that way. You have to concentrate on your recovery first and let the rest fall in place – YOU ARE FIRST in this equation. Once you are healthy you can speak with the very truth of your abuse in mind where it is necessary.
OK, so now getting to the point where we can attempt to wrap our head around all of this and start on a road to recovery! So where do we start because there are so many levels of this abuse. First we have to deal with the truth about our situation. That seems like a monumental act in itself because the whole relationship was built on LIES so what is the truth! Introspection is first and again why no contact is imperative to get this clarity without distraction from MORE chaos and abuse.
Yes, it was all one big lie and the person you cared about, and more than likely loved never existed within the realm of what you believed was a real relationship! Furthermore, the declarations of love were a tactic (love bombing) and just part of their disordered manipulation to gain control of you and your emotions. It is very, very hard to internalize that the love you believed in was just a lie! Their whole life is a lie and every person that has ever had any sort of relationship with them succumbs to this. They will wear a different disguise to lure in a new target/victim, solely and dependent on the particular person or the situation. It is a cycle that they use to abuse every new target into their agenda. So, what is the most difficult part of getting started on your journey to recovery? Letting go of those images, the ones that have accumulated in your heart and mind that made you BELIEVE that this was real from all those years you were with this Narcissist! There is/was no relationship nor was there any love reciprocated from this Narcissist. Keep this in mind every day on your journey to reach complete recovery. All of that was a trap set just for you AND to gain your trust and open you up to this Narcissist’s abuse. Remember you believed in this person for a very long time so recovery is not going to happen overnight and it is going to be confusing and painful. You will probably doubt yourself many times over and try to go back and fix this, but don’t because you can’t fix a personality disordered Narcissist. They will only trick you and drag you back into the abuse as often as you allow them to – believe me I made this mistake a few times and paid for it!
Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder. With me I stumbled upon the information and the pieces seemed to fit together like a puzzle. From there I also stumbled upon different healing sites that offered viable AND valuable information that gave me the big ‘ah ha’ moment that what I experienced was actually abuse from a malignant Narcissist. I went through the paces of doubting myself and kept in contact with this Narcissist for 8 months after the fact. Mind you I didn’t initiate all of this contact. This Narcissist was luring me into post abuse, trying to set me up and into their big smear campaign, using any and every conversation to gain information and use against me. This shrewd creature was manipulating my words to meet certain criteria and an agenda that would make me out as being obsessed and scorned. My point is that they are dangerous especially when they have moved on to new supply and they will do whatever to take you down and protect their NEW ‘catch’ from learning the truth about WHAT THEY ARE – or an abuser.
Narcissists definitely operate out of their fear of being exposed ESPECIALLY the truth about their perverse and disordered lifestyle. Unfortunately, they NEED us to extract supply, but they can’t keep up their façade forever because they are out-of-control, so they jump from one relationship to another BUT the end result is they always abuse someone. It is the cycle of their abuse and their lifestyle that destroys ALL of their relationships. Narcissists don’t look at themselves in any manner that reflects the reality of just how sick they are UNLESS they are forced to do so by being exposed and THEY AVOID THAT LIKE THE PLAGUE. They can’t face themselves because what it would reveal would cause them to implode and that is their greatest fear – the very truth of what they are. At least I can say I was definitely a force to be reconciled with as it concerned my Narcissist. Today I can write with the clarity I was afforded by going no contact and seeing the truth reveal itself. You must start this journey with no/minimal contact! Greg