You see the crack on the glass. Yeah, it was my head that slammed into it when you threw me against the wall. Your act of violence has changed my life forever.
Despite knowing you are incapable, I fantasize about you being human enough so you can understand the impact of having to be reminded of your actions every moment of every day, and why I have the right to be bitter, angry and hurt that life for you goes on unchanged, while you have turned mine upside down. And, if that wasn’t bad enough instead of having remorse, showing empathy and allowing the situation to be shocking enough for you to want to self reflect, you became more pompous, arrogant, and cruel, as if you had a right to stand over me and pour salt on my open wounds. You are a sadist who has no right to yell at me because I recorded you to prove what happened that night. You don’t get to lie under oath, through your attorney, to your family, to mutual friends, to your colleagues, and smear my name to cover up who you are and what you did to me. And no, what I feel has nothing to do with not being with you, but rather with the thoughtless choice you made to physically abuse me. You are a criminal. A dangerous, violent criminal.
You set fires and watch them burn without giving a damn. You are a coward and will continue to lie, cheat and lie some more to avoid discomfort and change, and I feel so sorry for my replacement because as much as you will blame me for your actions just as you blamed being with your ex for how you acted, once you’re done sucking My replacement dry, you will dispose of her because that’s how you operate.
You made everything about you. Even when you did the unthinkable and threw me against that wall, causing injuries I suffer from to this day, even then, you made it all about YOU. You’re nothing but a covert narcissist, a dangerous, violent criminal, and I will keep repeating that as a way to remind myself you weren’t real, and to help me move forward. I have to remember your actions that speak for themselves; needing to always be the victim when you blocked me after I told you I want nothing to do with you, twice now. Crawling up your keeper’s ass while telling me you never liked her, which is why you divorced her, even though in reality she asked for the divorce because you aren’t capable of having difficult conversations. Your first lie to me was that the two of you had agreed to ending your marriage when in reality you were ignoring the subject, and setting fires, creating triangulation.
It was always about you, you coward. You want to believe you are in charge but you aren’t – Look at how you obey her. A grown man, divorced, in a relationship and yet his ex wife dictates what picture he has for his email or what playlist he can display on Spotify, or who he has to spend the holidays with or when he can tell the kids about his new relationship…oh you know the list goes on and gets worse, but I’ll stop here because the rest is even more disgusting, but it’s what I have to keep reminding myself of to make sure I never fall for your empty words again.
So, while you cycle in Mijorca or ski down the slopes in Colorado or sit around the x-mas table because you were too weak to upset mommy dearest, and everyone’s need to pretend to be a “normal and happy family who are perfect” is high, I practice going up stairs without holding the rail and looking straight vs where my feet are. While you spew lies telling different people what they need to hear, and like a robot repeat the same empty phrases to me wishing me to “be well” or express your desire for me to be “healthy,” I try to keep from crying when my 10 year old brings me reminds me to row and do my PT exercises before he gets home or brings a gift he made during colonial day at school, a satchel that included cinnamon because cinnamon is suppose to help fatigue, and he wants to help me be less tired since my “concussion”- You monster – this is what I deal with while you pretend to be perfect and plan your trips and your rides and all that you do to run away from the monster that you are. Not a moment goes by in a day where I’m not reminded of what you did. My 10 year old thinking of what may help me shouldn’t be what he thinks about, but this has been his life for the last year all because of what you did. So while you work hard to keep your facade, think about the empathy, compassion and the capability demonstrated. Now, think back to 2009-2010 – think about the differences. Nature or nurture. Perfect example of both. And of course, for the bigger question, how did you handle it? You didn’t because that’s who you are, and if you can’t put man up for that, what can you man up for. You are a vile despicable human being and I hope someday you are left on your own to wipe your own ass after another cycling accident and I hope in that moment you get what feeling humiliated feels like, but that will never happen because you aren’t capable of feeling – You will never change because you are broken.
No answers, no thoughts, no emotions, no replies, no opinions, no commitments, no solutions, no plans, no dreams, no goals, no giving, no love, no caring, no ideas, no interest in anyone or anything, no consequences…Just empty words…That was us.