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It’s a process…

Let me acknowledge that I am not the best writer and I know I’m all over the place with one day being done talking about the various incidents and the next being upset and sharing he lied about who he shaves his pubes for.  A dry sense of humor and sarcasm is my coping mechanism to cope with the idiosyncrasies.  I mean how many people do you know to have been hung up on and scolded for not thinking about them and having the desire to “hurt” them, when you threaten to kill yourself and the hurt wasn’t going to be my death.  Oh no…the hurt was going to come from his secrets being revealed once I was dead….lol. How can I not look back on that or the conversation we had when he was trying to convince me the bruises on my body from the evening he assaulted me could have happened because I “get bruised all the time” and then he wonders why I recorded him.

In sum it’s a process back to health and healing.  I have told you what happened, sometimes more than once, because I am still trying to reconcile having been under someone else’s control so severely that I thought I was worthless.  I am reconciling thinking I have love for someone I haven’t felt safe with in years and to this day fear him and believe he would have killed me had I not been able to escape his grip on my neck which he wants me to believe isn’t really my neck, but rather my shoulder.   I am trying to reconcile and move into total acceptance, without judgment, and shed the lies I bought into about myself.

I’m an amazing person who is capable of loving.  Im perfectly imperfect and I will be damned if I let a coward define me.  That’s my hope anyway…

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