Uncategorized

Dangerous Violent Criminal is who you are…

Like a well trained dog I told him it was good to hear his voice. When in fact hearing his voice reminded me of the coward that he is. It makes me sick to think that even now I act impulsively and say things not to upset him. He trained me early on that he is thin skinned and can’t handle difficulties.  His ex wife had warned me but I was to in love and blind to want to believe it.  Looking back it’s it’s ironic that what led to the end of his marriage was a complete failure on his part to let her know of tragic events until weeks after the incident because he’s simply not capable of coping with discomfort and has no conscious how the decisions he makes harm those involved. The man can not own blame for anything and can justify believing the sky is purple, and if you don’t go along with the same belief, he punishes.

It took all of 30 seconds for him to express his anger over my having recorded our conversations to prove he was lying about having hurt me. You see, he’s allowed to do anything, including lie under oath or have his attorneys lie for him, lie to the police, lie lie and lie yet no one is allowed to do anything to point out the lies.  That’s how it works in his family.  His mother does it to him and on and on and on… It’s always someone else’s fault no matter the circumstance. It’s been his pattern since day one so long before I knew what Covert Narcissism was I complained about his behavior – It was a complete waste of time because he’s a legend  in his own mind who describes himself as a kind, honest earnest, compassionate man who is a great father!  Kinda like Donald Trump believing he is the most popular president in history. You get it, right?

The conversation wasn’t any different then any we had before except I didn’t engage or fall for his BS. He first told me not to worry about his next relationship when I said I felt sorry for whoever it was or will be.  He quickly switched his tone to repeat the same old bull shit, saying he had no interest in dating anyone. He seem to be in disbelief over my not caring who he’s with because I now realize he will do what he did to me, to anyone he gets involved with.  He’s not capable of attachment.

Facts are that less then 2 weeks after he assaulted me he said “what if I meet someone in a year and want to introduce them to the kids.”  Fact is that there were many times that he would drop off the face of the planet while away in Iowa where he traveled to for business. Fact is he was always taking selfies.  It was weird or I should say it became weird.  He use to say he was taking them for me but he always did things “for me” when he was lying.   Fact is when he was traveling in Dallas he told me he was asleep when I called but then I heard the elevator ding like they do, and a few minutes later the tv came on.  I think it’s safe to assume he wasn’t asleep but instead was coming back from wherever and entered his room where he perhaps left the TV on.  Kinda like the time he was in Iowa when I landed in the ER.  He told me he would text to see how I was but I never heard from him, and my texts went unanswered until the next morning. Fact is that he had women’s socks and underwear in the wash and said he didn’t know where it came from.  Fact is that he shaved his pubic hair the day before he went to Iowa, and upon his return, 5 days later,  said he did it for me, and wouldn’t answer when I reminded him we were fighting and weren’t planning on seeing each other after he returned.  He shut me up by kissing me, then fucking me.  Fact is that he isn’t capable of attachment and therefore I meant nothing.  Fact is that he began to use sex to control – one night he took my clothes off, turned me on but then stopped to say he wasn’t in the mood and that my appetite was too much.  Fact is that he lost it when he sent me a text saying he wasn’t seeing anyone and that I was paranoid, but was furious when I asked if he minded my showing whoever she is these texts.

He is a sadist.  Pure evil. He drove me to the point of insanity because he always lied.  He always acted as if he was hiding something.  Facts is that whenever he did something wrong he would pick a fight and blame me for it.  Fact is he will forever do his best to please his mother who called him an asshole the first time I met him.  No joke.  She told me he was an ass hole because he was walking faster than she was.  Fact is he never told her what she said was inappropriate because he has been taught he is responsible for her feelings. Fact is he can’t stop trying to be whatever his ex wife said he wasn’t.  Fact is he doesn’t love anyone because he can’t.  Fact is he is a dangerous, violent criminal and despite his plea agreement, public record will forever show what he was originally charged with, and the police report from that night will always be there to tell the real story.  Fact is he lives in his own world, can’t think about anything long term and creates fires without giving a damn of who gets burned.

Fact is he doesn’t love me or miss me but he needed to know he could get a reaction from me.  He writes “I want you healthy” as if he had nothing to do with what happened to me.  He wants to think he is healthy when in fact he is broken beyond repair, and lives in an altered reality where he isn’t to blame for anything,  Fact is a normal and kind person would not get angry and ask, how dare I want to “hurt him” when I told him at my lowest I was going kill myself because I was in such bad shape emotionally after he assaulted me.  I lived and still live in fear of him because he is so cold.  I explained that once I kill myself I’ll be safe from him and he won’t be able to do anything to me once all of his secrets are exposed.  Only a nut job would hang up then be angry about how dare I want to hurt him.  No joke.  He actually said it. Nothing made me want to live more after I got that reaction.  It confirmed, yet one more time, that the guy does not have the capacity to think of anyone or anything else other himself.   Fact is only an empty moron would justify yelling at the person they caused permanent inner ear damage to that he doesn’t need to empathize with me and that his behavior was normal for not wanting to change plans.  My fucking god…I lived through all this and can’t believe I still wanted him.  What was wrong with me.  In the end truth will prevail because it always does.

Anyway, below are exerts from emails I sent 6 months in through almost the end.  The chat which happened November 1, 2012 is perfect example of how the manipulative dick head that he is.  He tried to omit, camouflage a difficult conversation, he then tries to shift focus to coming to see me and when I keep to the point, he hangs up.  Was like this day one, is like this today.  Moreover, I feel pathetic reading my own words.  I knew what I was feeling but didn’t know what was happening to me and certainly didn’t recognize it as Narcissistic abuse.  I keep saying the same thing, wanting the same thing, feeling the same void and sounding really healthy about how I’m going to handle it.  However, I never left.  I never ever did anything I said I was going to do because he would always get to me.  X-mas 2012 he lied and I didn’t learn for almost 2 years.  When I met him, he lied.  He wasn’t done with his marriage.  He lied because he’s a self centered ass hole like his mother and ex wife said he was.  He’s unattached, a despicable human being I wish I could scrub off my body, my mind and my history.

7/12/12 —  “the commonality in why i was slightly irritated with ny or bothered during the power outage when you told christine she could come over anytime because you had no plans brought on feelings of not being thought about and in a sense being disposable.  don’t get me wrong i didn’t want you to put our being lazy plans ahead of your kids or sick father in law nor do i want a public announcement of our undefined relationship, but what i wished was to say come over in an hour to have avoided rushing around. the same negative feelings were ignited around ny. the other example i can give is the arrangement you have to travel to chicago with christine for christmas. i am all for sharing christmas with the ex because i do it too, but the idea of traveling for an extended period of time makes me wonder if there will be room for new person in your life and how that will look like.  will the boys hate her because she’s the one who ruined their family christmas.”

This was his response.  Another lousy excuse…it sounds so real, but it wasn’t because…doesn’t matter anymore.

“The holidays are a different set of circumstances and different issue than the issue about the Saturday before the Half.  For the Holidays I believe the root of the problem is that I am ambivalent about some of it and not looking forward to any of it and so I have been avoiding thinking or planning around it. This is certainly a failing on my part to not be taking some more proactive steps to arrange for something that works best/well for me and the kids. You are right to be a little concerned about how I am handling this and I need to take the initiative to make the arrangements I feel are best. It absolutely is this way because we are both avoiding talking to each other about it. I will do better I hope in this area.  

I can only promise to be more conscious of how my schedule impacts our plans and do as much as possible to ensure that our plans when we make them are firm and only emergencies should be considered a valid reason to upend them.I like the fact that you share you concerns and give me an opportunity to address them before they turn into something else. I know this particular concern has been expressed on a number of occasions and so I feel I am not really addressing it in a way that is effective and for that I am sorry. I certainly have work to do I this area but I hope it’s not something that is making you think twice.  I like you too and want to keep seeing you–would like to see more of you.  I hope some of the words above provide some insight into where my head it at.  If they don’t I want to make sure we talk more on the phone or in person.  

9:56 PM DANGER: i need to go to the beach to fix that. woks every time.
me: yeah, but i don’t think she gets your separated and heading for divorce 🙂 she still wants to vacation with you and spend christmas with your family.
  Yes, but it will come back
  my dad has it. It started when we moved here and it only gets worse
  it will take over your body, and it’s not pretty
9:57 PM the medications for it dumb down your immune system which puts you at risk of other diseases.
9:58 PM DANGER: she does not want to vacation with me. christmas with my family… ya thats still something but likely will be just a day or two since she is scheduled to travel to Pakistan on the 25th or 26th.
9:59 PM me: not trying to come down on you so please don’t take it this way, but there are all these dots that you don’t seem to be connecting. Psoriasis is not a joke. It’s not a skin disease.
  what’s still something
 DANGER: something meaning, yes she wants to see my family
10:01 PM i will go to the dematologist. was going to do it until my primary care dr said not to worry about anything he saw but i did not ask about my elbows
me: are you all going to chicago together? the way I read your statement was that she’ll only be there for a few days since she has to travel.
  probably a good idea
 DANGER: yes, yes
10:02 PM either way I am thinking I bolt Chicago and come visit you.
  even for just a couple days
10:03 PM want to drink wine in Napa with you.
10:04 PM me: i’m not sure how i feel right now.
  this is a complete surprise.
  not sure how to react
10:05 PM DANGER: what? we already talked about the possibility.
  no?
me: if she didn’t have to go to pakistan then she would have stayed longer which is fine because it’s your deal.
 DANGER: honestly i dont know what her plan was.
10:06 PM me: I think I need to get off because i honestly don’t know how i feel or how i should feel. and think it’s best if i process.
 DANGER: Vesta, what did I say?
me: what do you mean
10:10 PM DANGER: I mean I didn’t think I said anything new. We talked about Christine going to Chicago. Her mom and brother are there and the boys will be there. i am going to spend little-to-no time with her. I mentioned possibly coming out to see you between the holidays a couple days ago.
10:14 PM if you don’t want me to talk about the idea of coming out to see you then, that’s fine. i thought it might be fun and it would be a long time not to see you. but you are with your family and i am not trying to change your plans with them.
 me: that’s not what i am thinking about.
 DANGER: :/
  im dense
10:15 PM me: this is about christine and you going on xmas vacation together.
 DANGER: it not a vacation
10:16 PM i have to take the kids to Chicago or my parents will disown me. 🙂
me: you, her and the kids are going to spend christmas with your parents like you use to.
10:19 PM you’re all flying out together, right? you weren’t able to tell her that’s not a great idea. that’s what doesn’t sit well. And, in all honesty it’s your deal. I have to deal with my feelings and process.
10:22 PM DANGER: in all likelihood we will not travel together and we would both agree we do not want to be in the same room together for an extended period of time, let alone a plane..
me: She’s staying with your parents while you’re there.
10:23 PM forget the plane.
  I don’t want to be the person I am right now.
10:26 PM DANGER: i think its best we close the conversation for the evening. i am getting frustrated too
me: this is your deal, not mine. I’ll be blunt. It feels to me that you are still married. Christine calls the shots. What she wants goes, and that doesn’t feel good to me because i would hope the person I’m with would be protective of our time and my feelings.

5 minutes
10:31 PM me: i think it’s best we lighten things up. i don’t want to emotionally get more involved and invest more time in something that i am going to come in second. i think you need time to find your way in this new role. i am not a nag, but feel like one right now and my lesson learned has been change doesn’t come easy. I think you just hung up on me.
  Have a good night.

12/6/13 — 

Aside from what I already expressed as to why it was important you have mentioned on a couple of occasions you weren’t comfortable traveling with me given your finances aren’t yet split.  I came across a chat session that I forwarded in October. We were dating 6 months.  I could understand it then, but I don’t understand it now.  You apologize for not being a better planner and letting things go, but reality is you are a good planner when it’s something you really want to do and you make it happen.  We are all like that. … I was okay and understood 6 months into a new relationship why you were feeling that way, but 2 years in no longer makes sense.  I appreciate your honesty that it wasn’t going to happen by February or March.  You joked about July, but it was a subject you are clearly uncomfortable talking about. And, please don’t put it on me.  I never asked to control anything.  And if your reason is to show me that you are in control than we have a different set of problems.  People who are on the same team don’t need to prove the other wrong.  I think I explained well in my October 1 e-mail all the whys so you can read that if you want to know. This isn’t about Chris, or your parents.  This is about you.  And it’s about me telling you I deserve more. Not because I want to have access to you if you are hurt, but because I deserve to go on a vacation if we choose to.  I deserve to live, and enjoy life too….  When I read your words from early on you were aware wanting to make changes in what hurt your marriage.  I come to you wanting to be a unit, a team. I don’t want to control you. I don’t have a plan.  I have never given you reason to think I am scheming anything.  I don’t manipulate you.  I don’t disrespect you.  I don’t call you names…..So, I need to be clear that if you are comfortable remaining technically married for years to come and realistic with the limitations it brings like not being able to take me on a trip, then you need to let me know and then let me go because I deserve more.  It kills me to say that, but I’m tired and as much of a hero I want to be this issue will leave me resentful and I don’t want to go there.  So I need you to be honest with you and then with me.  I don’t assume why you feel what you do, and I’m not sure if knowing would help.  

8/25/14 — I stopped hoping and accepted the situation as is. And as it is doesn’t work for me which is why I’m going to move back home. Not because it makes me happier than being with you, but because you’ve demonstrated you are not capable of giving me what I want when it comes to moving towards me with everything you have, and because I shouldn’t direct you to stand up for me when your ex is out of line. If I had to direct you then it didn’t come from you. It came from fear of you losing me. And I don’t want that. Not fair to either one of us.

You are right. I don’t feel safe -haven’t for a long time but I decided I would not lose myself in the process because I become ugly when I feel unsafe, then end up hating myself. That’s my lesson learned here. So, I decided to plan what I can control in my life. I decided I can’t count on you to give me what you can’t. I got tired of begging and making an ass of myself. I decided I am going to do this ending different.

5/24/15 —“I could care less about Holly or any other co-worker, fellow cyclist or friend you may have.  I could even care less about Christine if I felt I was valued, appreciated, and wanted in this relationship.

October 17, 2016 — “What I find twisted and cruel is your ex wife choosing to cause chaos over my asking for a recipe or your mom saying things to intentionally hurt me and leave me out, or that you didn’t lose any sleep for telling me things you knew not to be true in order to justify your actions to yourself.  I believe when one purposely engages in manipulative behavior and  tactics  such as using arguments that are untrue to justify their actions, express disappointment and frustration in order to pursue their loved one that their feelings are unjustified and their reaction wrong and leading them to believe their reaction is cause for you to leave them, and that they are disposable, and then emotionally distancing yourself in order to control, to be hurtful and cruel.

As hard as it may be, I believe not being able to recognize such behavior as wrong and want to do everything one can do to change it concerning.  I believe not recognizing what is flawed with that sort of manipulation and its long term impact to your mate’s psyche will lead to the same behavior.  I believe inflicting such harm on your loved ones and allowing that person to suffer purposely is concerning and an indication that they have a hard time emotionally connecting.  It shows lack of empathy and weakness.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s