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I broke no contact today

Sigh…I can’t even begin to try and explain what happened.  I dropped my son off at school, came home and began to cry uncontrollably asking why did this have to happen to me.  Why did he throw me so hard to cause the damages that he did.  I called leaving message after message, crying, asking what he wants from me and.  When I called to finish my message, he answered and to no surprise he has not changed. I asked why he unblocked me and was told he thought we were both adults.  As usual he would not let me talk about the hardships I face because of what he did.  Then the threat to block me again came, but this time, instead of engaging, I told him he got what he wanted by my calling and reacting to his blog, but that I know it wasn’t sincere.  Instead it’s because he’s scared that he no longer controls me, and perhaps shocked since he never thought I stand up for myself and go as far as hiring a lawyer, and then I hung up. I did call back a few hours later, but once again tried to speak about the impact of the injuries he caused, and as expected he became upset accusing me of telling him how he feels and think.  He went on to scold me about the “horrible” things I have said about him being a covert narcissist, and a monster.

In that moment I changed my behavior and didn’t engage – Didn’t get angry because it was evident nothing had changed nor was he interested in me or the pain and hardship of the emotional and physical injuries he caused.

He has never been interested.  This is a man who told me to kill myself to put him out of his misery.  His only concern was himself and trying to get me to doubt myself and spin reality. When I pointed out what he was doing, without missing a beat he moved on to blame me for not being able to talk openly since I had previously made recordings of our conversations.

Ironic, isn’t it! It’s okay if he lies under oath, in court, to the police, to his friends, to his family, to mutual friends, but I’m not allowed to do anything in my defense to prove he’s lying.  I ended the conversation by telling him he was indeed emotionally abusive and that I felt sorry for him because he will never be able to love.  I said all that I needed to say and was proud of myself for recognizing what was happening and not allowing him to get to me or cause further self doubt. For the first time I chose to not engage  because I truly understand he doesn’t have the capacity for truth.

We exchanged a couple of texts afterwards, and once again as he wished me well and pretended he is the healthy, but asked that I remain open to not assuming I know what he thinks or feels.

My response…show me.  I know nothing will happen because he’s not capable and because I’ve learned that people like him are too wounded to ever try and reflect on their behavior and lack the emotional capacity, will and fearlessness to change. I realized I am strong to have survived 5 years of emotional abuse along with physical injuries that caused traumatic brain injury.  I realize I am strong for my desire to look at myself to see why I chose to stay in something so abusive and miserable.  I am strong because I will never disrespect myself like this again! My heart sincerely goes out to the next supplier he targets because he will bring her much hardship and pain.  That’s just him.  His pattern that hasn’t changed in 20 plus years.

I know I keep going back and comparing him to Ed Kemper…while Ed was a serial killer he had so much more insight and intelligence than Vince.  He was able to turn himself in because he didn’t want to kill anymore.  He was able to reflect upon his relationship with his mother and understand how the dynamics in that relationship led him to become a serial killer. He was able to say out loud that each time he killed, he was really killing his mother. Vince…doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong, and presents himself as a happy individual who had a normal upbringing claiming that his “emotional” mother had nothing to do with how he turned out.  On the other side of this is his mother who routinely says how she raised her kids have nothing to do with how they turned out.  See the pattern and brainwashing…oh yeah….

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