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Funny little lies

It’s hard to explain the mechanism of Narcissistic Abuse to those who haven’t experienced it because the conditioning to drive you crazy starts early.  For example, in my situation the first time he gas lighted me was after I caught him in a lie.  Of course he apologized immediately because that’s what they do, but after I forgave him the devaluing started.  Let me explain by giving specifics.  After one year of dating I learned he and his ex wife were planning to spend Christmas with his family and the kids.  I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and wanted a relationship with someone who was going to be protective of me, our time and our relationship, and suggested we lighten things up since he didn’t seem to be ready for a committed relationship.  He of course said no, cried, professed his love and told me he was going to let the ex wife know he didn’t want her to come.  Initially he did just that, but somewhere along the way he gave in and they spent the holidays together.  And, no…he didn’t tell me.  He came back and presented me with the most loving little book he had written professing his love and how much I meant to him.  He then made love me, fucked me, had sex with me all weekend.  Sometime during the same weekended he slipped, and I learned that he had in fact spent Christmas with his ex wife.  Once again, he apologized, but after I forgave him he began to gaslight me, devalue me and make me thing I was crazy.  He claimed he didn’t understand why I was making such a big deal, and that I shouldn’t be mad because in the end she didn’t get what she wanted, which was to be there Christmas morning.  During the same conversation he made references to looking forward to meeting the next woman.  I felt humiliated and began to doubt myself.  My gut told me he was lying about her not being there in the morning, but the threat of losing him to the “next” person got me.  I felt paralyzed.  Well, 9 months later, almost two years into the relationship, I learned she in fact was there Christmas morning, and once again I confronted him, and as usual, he apologized followed by amazing sex and my having to agree to never bring it up again.  I truly forgave him and didn’t bring it up, but at that point he knew he had me and continued to lie, twist and turn things around, and never once was he sorry.  Fast forward to April of 2016.  At this point I felt completely worthless and disposable.  I had become more forward in pointing out his lies and stopped being shy about asking him to put his money where his mouth was.  For example, he once told me he had my picture up at his office.  I din’t believe him and said so, and went as far as letting him know he didn’t need to lie about it.  He was enraged at my suggesting he was lying.  He got up and left from the table and threw his napkin.  When he came back he looked at me and without flinching said he didn’t lie, he doesn’t lie and that he was tired of my assumptions.  He was very upset, and of course I immediately  felt guilty, insecure and was mad at myself for not being able to let it go.  At the same time I knew, deep down I was right.  He used this for a while to make me feel guilty and also to tell me I make too many assumptions without facts.

On most days he works from home, but on the morning of April 19, 2016, he texted me from his office and so I asked to send me a picture of the pictures he had put up.  I heard nothing for 20 minutes and then he texted a picture of his wall, with pictures of me.  Once again, I felt horrible but I felt  something was still off.  Was I going crazy?  He of course reminded me he didn’t lie, professed his love and told me I was beautiful.  Almost one month later, I saw he had emailed photos of me from his Shutterfly account.  My initial reaction was…aww…he loves me, it’s me…he’s a good guy. And then I looked at the date and time and cross checked it with the texts of April 19, and realized bastard didn’t have pictures of me in his office, so when I asked he forwarded himself photos from Shutterfly, printed them and pretended they had been up for years. I realized the reason why something felt off was because the photos looked so much newer then the pictures of his kids that were up.  When I confronted him, he said he lied because he felt he should have put up pictures and hadn’t.  Of course he didn’t say a thing or apologize about the gaslighting and continued to to do it. A month later he texted me giving me three options as to what we could do over Memorial weekend…the stories are endless.  He is a pathological liar who plays victim because he can’t look at his own actions.

I’m struggling tonight.  The one year anniversary of  the assault is coming up.  I know he will either go skiing in Colorado or Riding in Majorca because he doesn’t have the balls to tell his mommy dearest he doesn’t want to go to their place for Christmas, and the only way he can get away with it is if he has other plans.  His family never accepted or wanted me and were cruel.  He never addressed it and always blamed me.  God…why did I stay. He is going to enjoy himself while I can’t do or go anywhere.  He hurt me and goes on as if it was nothing.  How could I have been with someone so dangerous and cold.  He announces on his blog that he misses me but I know he still believes it’s all me, and that I have health issues.  He thinks he’s perfect. How can I believe him when he use to tell me he never cheated during times he would disappear when traveling.  That’ when I question what’s real and what’s not.  Deep down I know he cheated, but I never could prove it.  I don’t know.  It’s a rough night.  I’m rambling because I hurt.  I’m in pain because I gave 5 years of my life to him, and I truly loved him, but he isn’t real.  None of it was real.  He says he misses me, unblocks me because he wants me to reach out, but the minute I do, I know he will lay into me about how horrible I am or he’ll call the police to say I’m stalking him.  If he really missed me.  If he really cared for me.  If he really loved me, he would call me, he would find a way to make it right but he wont because he doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong. He doesn’t believe that his actions over 5 years devalued me as a human being.  He gutted me.  He murdered my soul and he goes on to act like the victim.

It’s a rough night….it’s going to be a hard month.  I have to remind myself he doesn’t give a shit about me.  He doesn’t give a shit about the other women he is courting.  He can’t even do the right thing when it comes to his kids.  He is sick. He is flawed….rough night.

Another lie relevant to pictures.  There was a woman with huge breasts who one day became a FB friend. He told me she worked in the same company but that he had never worked directly with her or talk to her.  Then he made a comment about her boobs being fake.  I asked how he knew and he said when he had started she had small breasts.  So, I cyberstalked her FB page, looking at all of her photos only to learn she had her large fake breasts way before he began to work at the same company.  I then saw a work picture of him and a few of his colleagues when they were building a house for Habitat For Humanity, and guess who was in the picture.  Yep!  The large breasted colleague who he had never ever talked to or worked with…Do I think they had something.  I have no idea.  I think so because he went out of his way to talk about how unattractive her face was and that she was too skinny, which was odd considering he prefers skinny women…

I think I just walked you through how one, who is in a relationship with someone like him, becomes so confused, and doubts everything.  He wasn’t real….sigh…

 

 

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