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He is trying hard

to get to me.  He wants me to chase him or to get mad and do or say something that will only hurt me.  This is my covert narcissist trying to regain control over me, not because he loves me, but because he is afraid of having lost control over me when I cut him off, realizing just how dangerous he is.  At one point he even told me to kill myself.  He believed and continues to believe that my stating facts is spewing hate when the only one who is hateful, cruel and vindictive is him.  That’s okay though.  I’m not mad anymore and the predictability in his behavior is more validation of how sick he is.  I bet he wrote this and then texted his new supplier to get his fill for praise and confirmation he is perfect without any fatal flaws.

I use to be angry because I wanted to be enough for him to seek help and felt sorry for him because I understood the root of his pain.  That’s the enabler in me.  I now believe he chooses to be this way.

I’m not sure if the strength I feel today will last – I woke this morning not feeling so angry at myself for loving someone who was as dangerous as he turned out to be. I did the best I could because I loved him with a pure heart, without intent to harm or take advantage of him.  I treated him like a partner and he simply wasn’t and will never be capable of  feeling loved.  It feels good to say out loud that I am not the person I turned into with him.  It is validating to learn that there are others who suffer as much, and sometimes more after narcissistic abuse.  I’m lucky to be alive.  I’m lucky I was able to see him for what he was before it was to late.

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Despite an email trail showing I refused to see him, he continues to believe he cut contact because I wasn’t “healthy” and I was “hostile” – He assaulted me causing serious injuries, then treated me like disposable trash, not caring for the injuries he caused, and can’t understand why I was upset.  That’s a Covert Narcissist.

Don’t spent your time trying to show him the truth because it’s a waste of time.  Run, don’t walk if you’re in a similar type of relationship.  He will gut you and leave you to die.  These people are ruthless. It has taken me a long time to get to a place where I understand people like him don’t have the capacity to love.  Yesterday, I chose to comment on his post letting him know I missed him too, but that I could never have contact with him because he is a covert narcissist who physically and emotionally caused damages I am burdened with today. I let him know if our love was as rare as he claims, then he could get himself real help and we would see.  I deleted it of course, but writing it out without anger was what I needed to close that door. I have a long way to go before being able to trust or feel safe, but he is irrelevant in defining who I am.  I am somebody’s daughter, mother, friend and my life is worth it.

 

 

More later…

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