I have spent the last week on the Cape trying to relax and reduce my stress level that is taking a toll on my health. I’m not sure whether what I feel today will stay or is passing, but I think I may be in a place where I can forgive myself. I recognized recently that I don’t have to forgive him, but not forgiving myself for the shame I feel for not having recognized what was happening, not leaving and still having feelings for someone who has caused major physical and emotional damage, was only hurting me.
Reality is I have nothing to feel ashamed of. My loyalty and love for him was genuine and part of who I am. If I didn’t feel what I feel today I would be like him, and I’m anything but. I am empathetic and thoughtful and loving. I’m not going to change that because there’s nothing wrong with those qualities. It is what makes me, me. I have a sense of innocence and curiosity about me that allowed me to take in the joys of life. I was happy, calm, confident and I knew what it felt to be present in life and enjoy the little things. Over time I lost who I was because I was in a relationship with someone who loved me for those qualities but eventually killed each because he sat and continues to sit in constant pain of what he isn’t.
This last week has helped me realize who I was. I have been able to laugh a bit. I have been able to breath and have moments of calm. I did the best I could. I have certainly learned a lot and still have a long journey to full recovery, but I am tired of beating myself. I did the best I could and am glad I’m nothing like him or his family. I’m proud to be 100% different and am proud of that. I am worth loving, worth protecting and being thought about, I am worth it I will never let anyone tell me otherwise.