My Story

End of a chapter

 

This resonates because it is exactly what happened to me. I mentioned in The End I complimented his writing the last time he pursued me, after I had made it clear I no longer wanted to physically see him.  I’m such a bitch, aren’t I.  What was I thinking not to want him to drive me to my doctor’s appointment to learn what sort of damage he caused the night he threw me against the wall.  I should have put my gut feeling of not feeling safe with him aside to make him happy.

Those who survived abuse in the hands of a narcissist know that no matter the issue, the typical pattern  is for the narcissist to up the ante when they lose control.  Not surprisingly, after I reacted with a one sentence email, BAM! The pursuit stopped, grateful emails stopped, and he upped the ante by stop paying for the medical bills he had caused and blocked me from email, text and phone.

This time though, I didn’t react like before, instead I did the unthinkable and stood up for myself!

Today, since he has realized he doesn’t have control over me, he’s began baiting me.  He knows me.  He knows how to lift me up only to skin me alive and leave me to die – I wish I could tell you not responding is a piece of cake but it’s not.  I am constantly having to check facts, real facts and not the alternative facts that he goes by.  I mean, If you’re so miserable and want to fix “us” then fix us as a normal person would. Go admit to a real therapist who you really are, face your demons and do the hard work it takes to be healthy.

However, facts remain that I remain blocked, which means I would have to use alternative means to get in touch with him, and that will play right into what he wants, and he wants to say I am the one pursuing him.  His actions, the lie he has told, and the insinuations made lead me to believe he would to take my reaching out to convince the police to charge me with stalking.  After all, he is still mad at me for filing charges against him after he assaulted me. It kills me to say all of this, but saying it keeps it real for me, and keeps me honest when I want to believe there’s a chance. I can’t believe empty words anymore when his actions say something different.  His actions always said something different, and that’s where I have to own my actions.

Breaking unhealthy patterns is hard. I still want him to feel remorse for what he did, and get REAL help for himself. Like Pascale, I want to believe everything he promised was real and that someday we will have the happily ever after, living in our little apartment, traveling the world ,walking hand in hand when we’re 80, but then I remember that night, the lies, the gaslighting and cruelness I endured. People like him aren’t capable of loving anyone, His inability to connect and empathize is what makes him a horrible father, and if he can’t love his kids and have enough courage to do the right thing where his kids are concerned, how is he capable of loving anyone.  He can’t change because he doesn’t believe there’s anything wrong with him. He can’t change because he is not capable of handling the pain that is behind why he is the way he is.

I don’t know what more to say…I spend a lot of time crying because it’s hard to process how someone you gave so much to can treat your life in such a disposable manner.  I have to keep reminding myself the person I fell in love with the person who he described himself to be, not who I learned he was.   Like Pascale and others in recovery, “I cannot change what happened and the bad choices I made but I can change the future. I deserve a better story where I am respected and loved. A story without lies, duplicity, deception and deviousness.

Sometimes painful endings bring the best new beginnings…”

Pascale's Healing Journey

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It is always important to know when somethings has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it. What matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over. Paulo Coelho

Two days ago, I finally turned the last page of a painful chapter in my life. It lasted longer than it should have, but it was extremely difficult to end as there were still many things left unsolved and many things left untold. I wanted a proper ending with a sense of closure but it was not to be. As it happened, he was actually the one who stopped the story as he knew that I had reached the end of my tether. So he chose the pre-emptive strike to finish it himself so he could gain a form of control.

I have no regrets. I did what…

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